Last week I asked for suggestions for the best football nicknames. I’ve worked my way through all the replies and Scottish Comedy FC now proudly presents the top 10 funniest Scottish football nicknames.
Number 10
Alex “Toastie” Burns (Motherwell/St Mirren)
He was rejected by more clubs than a drunk 16 year old on a night out in Glasgow. According to his wikipedia entry http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Burns “He trialed solar powered boots for NASA. The results where conclusive. He could run all day but he couldn’t hit a cow’s arse wi a shovel”
Number 9
Abel “The Flask” Thermeus (Motherwell)
When he signed from Monaco the Motherwell manager claimed “the flask” was strong with a good touch and an eye for goal so he would be “a Fox in the box.” He played two league games as a substitute and during the second he was sent-off for a headbutt. The fans now refer to him as “a Flask in the box”.
Number 8
Olivier “Bombscare” Tebily (Celtic)
His safety last approach to defending scared fans. After an African Nations Cup match he was kidnapped by his countries army as punishment for a bad result. There is no truth in the rumour that Celtic fans had a whip round to see how much it would cost to keep him there.
Number 7
Darren “Robocop” Dods (Falkirk)
I’ll let a fan song explain this one.
Darren Dods, Darren Dods,
He wears the tangerine.
Darren Dods, Darren Dods,
He's half man half machine.
Darren Dods, Darren Dods.
They call him Robocop
Number 6
Nuno “aw-no” Capucho (Rangers)
Most teams have a player nicknamed “forfuxsake” as that’s the cry you hear from the stand whenever that player missplaces a pass. Credit to Rangers for signing the Spanish safe for work version.
Number 5
Neil McVittie “Biscuits” (Aberdeen)
A nickname which is usually given to a player who is inept in front of goals ie “they go to pieces in the box” but in this case it gets a bonus meaning.
Number 4
John “Budgie” Burridge (Hibs)
During one game his team were 4-0 up, the ref blew his whistle whilst Burridge had the ball in his hands. Budgie turned and punted the ball in to his own net and started pumping his fists towards the crowd. Turns out the whistle had come from the crowd and the ref pointed to the centre 4-1.
Number 3
“Greenock” Morten Wieghorst (Celtic)
The only player who has the name of a football team as a nickname unless Manchester United’s Ji Sung Park is nicknamed “Queens”.
Number 2
Thomas “Tam” Flogel (Hearts)
If you can’t think of a clever nickname just call the player by his Scottish name. Similarly Celtic had a player called Eduardo Edvalsson whose name was simplified to “Shuggie”
Number 1:
Neil “Disa” Pointon. (Hearts)
Just missing out on the top 10 was a lower league footballer who was called “weirdo” but I couldn’t find the explanation for it. I suspect in the lower leagues getting called a weirdo is for any player who has ever read a book.
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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin
act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
He invites people to stalk him at http://www.facebook.com/iainmacivertodd
Great stuff. Obvious when you look at the nicknames but not always at the time. Still chuckling.