Scottish Comedy FC…goes to Bikram Yoga?

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When “Big” Sam Allardyce took charge at Newcastle it was thought that he was an old-fashioned type of manager. He liked the long ball game, his teams played rigid 4-4-2 tactics and worst of all – he had a moustache.

His reputation was unfair as players later reported he had introduced some revolutionary training methods. He encouraged the players to do Pilates to increase their flexibility. He hired AC Milan’s psychologist to help them create a winning mentality and he made them all watch Geordie Shore so they could get to know the fans better.

Not all of this went down well. The psychologist brought play-dough into a team meeting. He asked each player to craft the dough into an object that represented their position in the team. One player made a set of goals. One player made a bench (this was the era of Michel Owen) and the rest of them combined all their play-dough to create a massive c*ck. The psychologist did not bother coming back.

Modern players are a lot more open to alternative training methods. Ryan Giggs credits his long career to afternoons getting into awkward sweaty positions. He said it was yoga but the super-injunction he raised in the High Court said it was hotel romps with Imogen Thomas. If I had got to the final of the Champions League, won the Premiership and still found time to romp with an underwear model then I wouldn’t have taken out a super injunction to prevent papers reporting it. I’d have taken out a full-page ad saying “Look at me. I’m awesome!”

The newest craze among sportsmen is Bikram Yoga. Andy Murray has testified to how much it helps him. Although a 5-time loser isn’t the best choice of spokesman. Bikram Yoga sessions run for exactly 90 minutes and consist of a set series of 26 postures (performed twice each). It takes place in a room heated to 40C with a humidity of 40%.

It’s a strange experience because 90% of the class are female students (due to its closeness to the university) who wear next to nothing! It’s hard to know where to look. I’m  hot and sweaty due to all the naked flesh and the heat hasn’t been turned on yet.

The poses start easily enough. You lie on your back and breathe. Which is so easy I could do it in my sleep. As they get harder the sweat really runs off my body like rats from a sweaty ship. It pools on the floor all around me. Is everyone else this sweaty? The instructor says we can finish with some more lying down exercises but this time face down. I have to lie down and put my face into a pool of my own sweat. If he was an interrogator and this was a torture scenario then I would now tell him everything.

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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.

Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.

He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd

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