Episode 5 of the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast is out now. Subscribe/download/listen HERE
“May you live in interesting times” – ancient chinese blessing
Glasgow Rangers Football Club is currently living in those times but unfortunately the next part of this proverb is “May you come to the attention of those in authority”
We may never know the full story of the takeover of Rangers Football Club plc (in Administration) but I can offer the current owner Craig Whyte some advice
- Wonga.com is not a valid way to run a football club
- When photographed try to look like a suave businessman and not a man left alone with an electrified safe marked ‘Do Not Touch’.
- If you’re looking to take a holiday in the near future, somewhere which doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the UK, then I would suggest the Vatican. They might give you a hero’s welcome.
- Liquidate the club and let someone else form and run the “New Rangers Football Club”
I admit point 4 could be controversial but hear me out as I now put forward my case for being the boss of the “New Rangers Football Club”. I promise to do a better job than previous regimes. I’ve prepared a FAQ for the Fans.
What league will we play in?
- I’m assuming that The liquidation of Rangers and the formation of a new club means that we start in the 3rd division.
- We wish to continue playing a side based in glasgow who have hoops on their strips. Hello to our new Rivals – Queens Park.
What would happen to the old firm?
- I’d go to Sky and propose a new competition “the GIRUY Cup” a four match series against Celtic played midweek. The TV money could be split between the two sides and probably amount to more than the SPL deal.
What about europe? (UEFA impose a three year european ban on new companies competing in europe)
- A couple of glamour friendlies played midweek would bring in the fans. A Run in the lower league Ramsdens cup would bring in additional home games and revenue from the resulting ticket sales.
- Use the players groomed at Murray Park. Give them 1st team experience and buy in some senior professionals who have the experience to get through the leagues.
- Bring down ticket prices. Increase family zones. Use the opportunity to get new fans on board with the project so that by the time we are back in the SPL we have a dedicated new fan-base as well as the loyal fans of the past.
- All debts would be cancelled. Running costs would be lower but we would still have 50k at home games.
- The novelty of a non rangers SPL would soon wear off but speaking as a Celtic fan the games I enjoyed in recent seasons have been against Hearts, Hibs, Dundee United etc. The club can concentrate on bringing through young players and look forward to the “GIRUY” cup.
- They might lose out in the short run but a run in europe and the increased likelihood of getting a Champions League place might bring more fans back to the game.
What about the non old firm teams outside the SPL?
- The average crowd in the third vision is 500-700. Think of the financial benefit to each of these clubs when Rangers visit.
So all I ask is that every fan puts their hand in their pocket and we raise the money to buy out Craig Whyte. I’d suggest our taget should be to raise the same amount he did when purchasing the club. One pound!
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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin
act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
