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@iainmacivertodd
When my mum is asked – “what do your twin sons do for a living?” She often replies “One is a lawyer and the other…the other is….did I mention that one is a lawyer?” Life would be so much simpler for her if we both had the same job. So in today’s piece lets look at twins whose mums can answer the question by saying “they are both footballers.”
Lets start off close to home (Glasgow) with Flavio and Marco Paixao. Scottish fans will be familiar with these two players from Portugal due to a two-year stint they had with Hamilton. During that time they were more famous for their haircuts than the football skills. It makes them a Portuguese Jedward.
They now both play in Iran. Which must come as a culture shock after living in Lanarkshire as one is a land of bigots and sectarianism and the other is next to Iraq. [the old jokes are the best] [Editor’s Note: Joking aside, Iran has the Middle East’s largest Jewish population outwith Israel (Jews have lived in Persia for around 2000 years) and, as with followers of the Zoroastrian faith also, they have their own representative in the Iranian parliament. Scottish Comedy FC – the football site that isn’t looking to p*ss off Iran.]
Scotland has produced its own footballing twins. David and Scott McNiven played in England for Hyde United and they both got sent off in the same game. The FA believe it is the first time twins have ever been sent off in a game. Scott got his red card for an off-the-ball clash. David was booked for protesting and then picked up a second yellow for time-wasting. David said: “If we were going to pick something we’d be remembered for this wouldn’t be it, but at least we’ll be in the record books.”
The most famous footballing twins were Frank and Ronald de Boer. Although most people are unaware that is not actually their real names – it is Franciscus and Ronaldus. If they weren’t footballers then they could have been monks. They too ended up in the middle east but in the slightly more liberal Qatar. Though women, alcohol, and meat are still banned. It’ll be just the Tartan Army’s luck to qualify for the Qatar World Cup. [Editor’s Note: Joking aside again, we don’t want to upset any of our Qatari readership, so we’d like to point out that women in Qatar tend not to wear the Burka, foreign women are exempt from local dress codes (though do have to dress modestly), alcohol is available in clubs & hotels, and pork is now available in some specialist shops. Also, we are available for any paid jaunts to Qatar to further extol the merits of the country. Just call us FIFA!]
Frank and Ronald both played for Holland. You would think both twins would represent the same country but not in the case of Michael and William Keane from Manchester United’s youth academy. One plays for Ireland and the other for England. They were born in England but they both qualify for Ireland as their dad, Michael senior, was born in Dublin. Normally parents love both their children equally but in this case its clear one must be better at football than the other. They have another brother who can’t kick a ball and struggles to run. Craig Levein is picking him for the next Scotland squad.
Aleksei and Vasili Berezutski have formed the backbone of the CSKA Moskow and Russian defence for many years. If their football career ever comes to the end then with their imposing stature and looks they could play Bond villains
Twins do not necessarily have to play for the same team. Rafael and Fabio da Silva had played together since school but since signing for Manchester United Fabio has been sent out on loan to Queens Park Rangers. Alex Ferguson says that the players are so alike he could play one in the first half and the other in the second and nobody would notice the difference. QPR should check that they have the right one for the whole season! Alex might swap them when his gets tired.
If Alex thinks managing one set of twins is confusing then we should feel sorry for the coach of Anderson University because he has two sets of twins in the side. Jessica and Ashley Kleinberg play alongside Kathryn and Joelle Purinton. I wonder if they form a back 4 or a back 2×2.
The most successful brothers in football since the Charltons are Phil and Gary Neville but although they are not twins Phil and Tracey Neville are. They are so alike that if you put a blond wig on Phil then you would mistake him for his sister. Tracey was a Netball player and competed at two Commonwealth Games until her retirement due to injury. Unlike her two brothers she is not hated by Liverpool fans.
Finally I’ll answer another question twins are often asked. “How do you tell the difference between the two of you?” It’s actually quite simple. My friend, who did not know I was a twin, looked at a picture of Andrew on Facebook and asked “was I sick at the weekend? Because you look ill in this picture” so if you want to tell us part then I’m the healthy one and Andrew is just a pale, washed out, sickly looking, weak, ill…[Andrew says I’ve made my point] version of me.
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About the Author
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
