The typical Saturday of the football supporter isn’t all Tika Taka, scissor-kicks and the Champions League. More often than not, it’s frozen toes on a sodden terrace and a third on the stroke on half-time, the whole schebang costing you £15 or something ridiculous like that for the privilege. And so one of life’s little pleasures is kicking back on the train, conducting a post mortem on the day’s debacle whilst enjoying a couple of cans of Staropramen on the train back home.
But maybe not for much longer.
Transport Scotland Consultation ‘Rail2014’ may have passed most of you by. However, ominously lurking deep within this fibrous report is their revelation that “Consideration is being given to whether there should be a ban on the consumption of alcohol on all trains.” Never tiring of scouting for nuts with their sledgehammer, the proposal is sadly symbolic of a nationalist government that are always crowing on about wanting the power to make decisions for ourselves, but don’t seem particularly keen to extend that privilege to the intelligent, sentient adults who actually live here.
Although I’ve already written a strongly worded letter on everyone’s behalf in a valiant, yet I suspect ultimately vain, attempt to protect our birthright of a bevvy on the train home after the football. Admittedly, Scottish football has a complicated relationship with alcohol. Matters came to a head after the infamous Battle of Hampden Park at the 1980 Scottish Cup Final when out of a crowd of about 90,000, 1,000 ugly [insert slur as appropriate] and [insert slur as appropriate], ratted on cheap Fine Fare vodka and Tennents tinnies, scrapped it out on the hallowed turf amidst half a dozen confused police horses doing figures of eight of the pitch like it was bloody Horse of the Year at Olympia.
Rather than focusing upon the utterly ineffectual policing, the decrepit crumbling state of what purported to be our national stadium and the fact that back then stewards were the shadowy figures who adjudicated on horse-racing, the Demon Drink was singled out in the kangaroo court of public opinion as the debacle’s agent provocoteur. The fact that 89,000 other equally pissed-up [insert slur] and [insert slur] were there that day, and indeed had been attending Scottish Cup Finals since time immemorial without indulging in a spot of recreational rioting, is apparently unworthy of comment.
The “appalling scenes”, which would frankly would barely make the regional news in many fellow UEFA nations, shook up our esteemed politicians who deemed that Something Had To Be Done. And then the Criminal Justice (Scotland) Act came into being, which outlawed the sale and consumption of alcohol at Scottish stadia. And in a classic example of the ‘regression to mean‘ there hasn’t been a proper riot since and the ban remains to this day.
It’s been thirty-odd years since the Battle of Hampden Park. And some say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. But asides from pulping Section 10 of Rail2014, encasing it in concrete and throwing it off the Brodick ferry, we should go further and reintroduce the sale of alcohol within stadia in Scotland. It’s good enough for the egg-chasing community. You‘ve been able to enjoy a pint at your seat Murrayfield since 2007 and the world hasn’t stopped spinning on its axis. And it works south of the border too. You can drink in the concourses at football stadia in England, so long as you don’t have a view of the pitch. And as an avid Mariner, I don’t really have an issue with that.
Plus, it’s not only England, a country no stranger to fist-related bother either. Just about every country in Europe has an infinitely more relaxed attitude to alcohol. Your correspondent has enjoyed many an evening across Germany with a Bitburger or a Krombacher in his hand, everywhere from the grandeur of the Olympic Stadium in Berlin to Sektor B at Erzgebirge Aue and to the piss-sodden terraces at MSV Duisburg. And it works. The atmospheres are uniformly excellent, the clubs earn much needed revenue, it makes for a far more sociable and agreeable spectator experience and any aggro, which is exceedingly rare, gets stamped on immediately by stewards, who actually take their jobs seriously, and a police force who (whilst somehow managing to distinguish between your average normal punter and your troublemaking prick) don’t take no shit. Stephen House QPM please take note.
And I suspect the influence of alcohol (no pun intended) in supporter misbehaviour is grossly exaggerated. Pricks are pricks. The 1982 European Cup Final and ‘The Big Con’ may be instructive. In a trailblazing experiment, the game, played at Feynoord’s De Kuip Stadium, was noteworthy by the fact that the barrels of booze sold in the Villa end were substituted for non-alcoholic beer. And yet the police and the researchers noted that the supporters still “displayed behaviours consistent with intoxication“. And a small minority caused a wee bit of trouble. As per usual and playing havoc with the null hypothesis.
Yes, bring back booze to our grounds. Why not?
Former Hibs chairman Lex Gold and Motherwell’s John Boyle were vociferous proponents of its return. And they were right. Of course they hold a vested financial interest, but the clubs aren’t charities and frankly they can do with the revenue stream. And yes, a small minority will abuse their access to alcohol. But we have perfectly good laws just crying out to be enforced to tackle anti-social behaviour. It’s just a matter of the police and the criminal justice system growing a pair and using them. And is a Motherwell fan more genetically disposed to purportedly alcohol induced bother than a Sunderland or Carlisle fan?
The most cogent argument against it is that I suspect that clubs, looking at the margins and the potentially lucrative tie-in deals, would reduce themselves to doling out Carling or Tennents slop at £4 a pop. But they’ve every right to and there would be nothing to stop more savvy clubs from serving a delicious IPA on a Spring day or developing a real ale niche for the more discerning punter.
“But it may send out the wrong message“. Well, perhaps I’m a sentient human being and don’t want Nicola Sturgeon or Kenny MacAskill sending me a message if I want to treat myself to a pint at the football at the weekend. The Something Must Be Done, This Is Something = We Must Do This, and the government’s neo-prohibitionist fantasies infantilise us all.
And after another long working week and preparing another Amundsen-esque trip into the back of Division One’s beyond, I’d appeal to Transport Minister Keith Brown that if you have problems with neds necking Buckie on a Friday night on the North Clyde line then deal with them. There’s perfectly good laws and boots to batter these bozos.
But if I’m kicking back on a Class 158 after seeing Queens humped at Hamilton, just leave me and my Staropramen alone.
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About the Author
Raised by wolves on the wild Lincolnshire coast, Gordon has been Scotland’s 53rd best stand-up comedian for a record six years.
On the scene since 2007, he has been a staple of The Stand’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe programme, performs across the country with his own unique brand of sociopathic misanthropy and biting political comedy and has supported some of the biggest names in UK comedy.
After an unsuccessful football career, culminating in an extra-time defeat in the 1996 U16s Lincolnshire Cup Final, he has been trying unsuccessfully to get a Football Banning Orderfor three years now to stop him spunking any more of his limited disposable income on following his beloved Grimsby Town in the Vauxhall Conference for three years now. He also follows Queen of the South, crack Bundesliga 2 outfit Erzgebirge Aue, Crvena Zvezda and Portland Timbers.
Gordon is a ‘ground-hopper’ and bloody proud of it. His favourite stadia are the Stadio Nereo Rocco in Trieste and the Erzegibrgestadion in Saxony.
“…Character creation Father Alexander was hilarious, taking a satirical lump out of Salmond’s Scotland with a sermon for the Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali Al-Megrahi…” Brian Donaldson, The Scotsman
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I may be wrong but I understood the law to already be ‘the consumption of alcohol is legal if you are travelling to or from a football stadia’ it’s not policed hard but that’s how they can just wade onto trains where there’s trouble & confiscate everyones’ drink.
What they want to do is completley blanket bad drinking on public transport, no doubt they’ll come up with a way of doing it so that if you’re first class on a train you can still buy drink from a buffet cart
Agree with the thoughts about a reintroduction of alcohol sales at Scottish football stadia…been to a few Hull games and Leeds games inbetween weekends at Tannadice and the booze makes no difference…if anything, it maybe dulls down the attitude of tanning a massive cargo before the game…
The sale of alcohol cannot and should not ever be re-introduced, and here’s why : you’re talking about giving a box of Swan Vesta kitchen matches to a group of toddlers in a paddling pool full of kerosine. You’re talking about fanning the flames of the despicable hatred, vehemence and ignorance that spills out onto our streets after the match. In a world where unicorns play and fairy princesses exist you might be able to entertain alcohol in stadia; however we live in a nation tinder dry with a grey, formless anger and lethargy towards positive social behavior. The flat capped, ship working fans of old could enjoy a pint at the match-they operated in a post war society weary of thuggery. That’s not our world.
With respect, we aren’t toddlers. And your argument sounds like a Temperance argument too. I suspect most of us are weary of thuggery and wish the justice system would grow a pair and deal with it, but in fairness I don’t see much of that dystopian vision of vehemence and hatred out and about on the my travels either. And by the way, where are these unicorns and fair princesses in Germany, the Netherlands and England?
The law bans alcohol from all buses. It should also ban fat people, the smelly and anyone with children…now that I think about it then we should also ban pensioners, neds, students, people with loud ringtone, anyone carrying an ipad, girls with cutoff jean shorts (that look was bad in the eighties and it aint any better now)…..actually there’s loads so lets add bald people, the bearded (mustaches are OK as long as they are handlebar and not hitler style.) and the welsh. (see how i linked this to the rascist article too)
Can i just have a bus to myself?
You can. It leaves the Caledonian Stadium, every second Saturday at 10am.
I should have been more specific. Football in Glasgow is a broken sport. Sectarianism has destroyed it, and making alcohol freely available during “old firm” matches would result, at some point soon after the reintroduction, in widespread social disorder around the city and possibly to deaths. My comment regarding toddlers was aimed at those who become screaming, bug eyed examples to their kids in the stands, not anyone who can responsibly enjoy alcohol without causing trouble. I just contend that you cannot take the risk of reintroduction without the extremist element ruining it.