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Scotland on holiday: where Spain begins as soon as you step out your front door in Saltcoats.
We may believe in dressing for where we are going but how come no one else does that to us? You don’t see German tourists arriving in Glasgow in wellies and waterproofs or Japanese tour groups in full survival outfits. Only in Scotland do we think pneumonia is a poor excuse to skip a chance of a tan.
And what happens when we arrive – we get so badly sunburnt within two hours of landing the locals use our bodies to cook their kebabs. And what do we do? We sit in the shade for the rest of the holiday, in full-length clothes we’ve just bought because we brought nothing but speedos.
Sadly, Jukebox Durie is too late to warn the hordes of SPL players who are sunning themselves in warmer climes but for those of us left behind we can take comfort in the knowledge that while Jukebox Durie is going continental for the next few weeks it’ll be wearing Factor 40 as we review some global pop football highlights. And where better to start than in honour of one of the greatest players of all time: Diego Maradona.
As Lionel Messi again wins the Ballon d’Or for World Footballer of the Year, the clamour for Messi to be named the greatest of all time grows. I know he’s scored more goals in one year than any other man. I know he can dribble through the entire La Liga before dropping to his knees and using his nose to tap the ball across the line for the cheekiest goal of all time – but can he do this:
Yes. It’s Maradona singing a song about himself, the Hand of God and vaguely racist references to the evils of cocaine being just like a ‘white woman’. Messi, my son, you still have a lot to learn.
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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).
Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.
Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy
Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com
