The Scottish Comedy FC Xmas gift guide…by Iain Todd

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If you don’t know what to get a friend for Xmas then you don’t know them well enough to buy them a present! So if you do insist on buying every Tom,Dick or Facebook friend something then Scottish Comedy FC has some helpful and not so helpful suggestions.

A Brick

When I graduated from university in 1999 the Principal told us that our year was special because we were a millennium class. To commemorate this event he was going to build a brick wall and each and every one of our names would be on it. In years to come my children, my grand children and my great children would be able to see my name. This gesture would have been amazing if the wall hadn’t been the new toilet block.

Football clubs also play on this notion of “history” and “legacy” by selling bricks to gullible, sorry I meant loyal supporters who then personalize the brick by putting a short message on it. I bought one for a Xmas present. It was a great until we tried to find it. Have you ever tried to find your name in a wall of 1000 bricks? It’s next to impossible. It took three separate visits and nearly two years before we tracked down the brick. Its like a brick version of “Where’s Wally?” but it turns out that the wally is actually the man who bought one.

A Calendar

If you want a present that will date well then buy a calendar. I recommend Joe Hart’s 2013 calendar which is described as “Great images of Joe in action on the pitch, posing for the camera and playing a round of Golf.” Why would I want pictures of him playing golf? He’s a goalkeeper. Give me pictures of him goalkeeping. It’s like buying a page 3 calendar from The Sun and finding out January has actual news on it rather than a naked lady.

A Book

At Xmas every man and his dog releases an autobiography. This year that dog is Uggie from the Oscar-winning film “The Artist.” People ask how a dog can write an autobiography but if Wayne Rooney can write one then so can a dumb animal.

If you do buy a book then I’d recommend “The Secret Race: Inside the Hidden World of the Tour de France: Doping, Cover-ups, and Winning at All Costs.” I am now convinced that drugs are amazing and I can’t wait to use them to improve my performance. I’m not sure that was the message I was supposed to take from it.

In terms of football books “Barca: The Making of the Greatest Team in the World” covers the recent history of Barcelona FC in an entertaining and informative manner. It reveals that great management isn’t just setting tactics and picking players it’s also letting players go home for their dinner before an evening kick off.

Perfume

Football might be a macho game of sweat and tears but you can’t put that in a bottle and call it perfume. Therefore, most Premiership clubs sell a club branded bottle of “Eau de Sport.” I want to release my own perfume range. I’d call them “minging” for men and “boggin” for women so when folk are out and people ask what’s that smell? The asnwer is its minging!

Shares

This weekend £20000 a week Premier League star Liam Ridgewell was pictured apparently using cash instead of toilet roll. He was wiping his arse with £20 notes. He must have misheard the phrase money to burn and thought it was money to bum. The only more grossly offensive place I can think of sticking cash is into a football club.

Memorabilia

During an auction of memorabilia a Ryan Giggs jersey was sold. It was the home strip that he wore when he scored a famous solo goal against arsenal in the FA Cup. There was only one problem – he wore an away strip that day! So avoid signed items unless you actually handed over your own pen for the signing.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quI_LkMj4HI]

If after all that you are still stuck for ideas then give them a cat/dog but remember that an animal is not just for Xmas. The animal shelter doesn’t open till January so you will have to put up with them for new year too.

You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE

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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.

Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.

He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd

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