Ever since Vladimir Romanov bought Hearts in 2004 there have been more chops at Tynecastle than at your local butcher. But is there method in Vlad’s madness? Does he have a grand plan after all? Today, Scottish Comedy FC can exclusively reveal our Top 10 tips to avoid the Tynecastle chop.
Tip 1: Don’t be a winner
Nobody likes a smartarse. Especially not Vlad. So, starting the season by winning all of Heart’s opening eight games to top the league and set a post-war record was clearly going to get Vlad riled. Step forward victim number one, George Burley (June 2005 – October 2005), the first manager sacked for a 100% record. This sacking didn’t just adversely affect Hearts though, it also set in motion a chain of events that ultimately led to Scotland fans having to watch that Chris Iwelumo miss.
Tip 2: Don’t be a loser
There is first place, and then there is last place, and there is no compromise between. Bye bye then to Valdas Ivanauskas (March 2006 – October 2006), you may have won the Scottish Cup but Vlad thought you came in last place in the league. Or “second place” as most people called it. Or the “greatest result ever!” as Celtic fans called it.
Tip 3: Don’t be a sex offender
Some people said Hearts had no standards when they refused to sack defender Craig Thomson following his conviction on charges of indecent behaviour towards two teenage girls, but they do have standards – very high standards indeed. Vlad must first make sure the little trollop isn’t just a little gold-digger. This is what Vlad has to say shortly after hiring sex offender Graham Rix (Nov 2005 – March 2006) as manager to replace George Burley – “I cannot understand when a girl comes and tricks a hero such as this coach and says she’s older than she is and then sells the story for hundreds of thousands.”
Following Thomson’s conviction and his being placed on the sex offenders register… he was loaned to FBK Kaunas. a Lithuanian club owned by none other than… Vlad. So actually, if you’re on the playing rather than the coaching staff and you want to play more European football than the rest of the squad… perhaps do be a sex offender. (Scottish Comedy FC does not encourage sex offending. If you were planning on using us as an excuse in court… then it may be time to take a serious look at your life.)
Tip 4: Don’t think global
Eduard Malofeev (Oct 2006 – Nov 2006); Eugenijus Riabovas (Nov 2006 – Dec 2006); Valdas Ivanauskas (for a second spell) (December 2006 – March 2007); Anatoly Korobochka (March 2007 – January 2008) – how did they expect to last given the difficulty of building a terrace chant around their names? Although having said that, now would be the time for Riabovas to come back. “Who needs Villas Boas…we’ve got Riabovas!”
Tip 5: Don’t think local
Stephen Frail (January 2008 – July 2008) was the result of Vlad wanting a “British-style manager”. That’s why he appointed an ex-pro, loyal to the club, and with naff-all experience of managing a football club. Frail by name. Frail by tactics. Shown the door in seven months.
Tip 6: Don’t be an eccentric
There’s room for only one man spouting ludicrous views in the Gorgie Road nuthouse, so goodbye fantasist and reggae superstar Csaba “Ranks” Laszlo (July 2008 – January 2010). You told us you were ready to manage Liverpool and Man Utd but you didn’t tell us in which edition of Football Manager you would make this happen. We suspect that Mr Loverman didn’t even have a computer.
Tip 7 Don’t turn down a promotion
After restoring pride and a 3rd place position in the league, club legend Jim Jefferies (Jan 2010 – August 2011) was rewarded by the very generous Mr Romanov with a promotion to Director of Football; which Gentlemen Jim turned down out of concern for his assistant, Billy Brown’s, future. Both were sacked. Brown moved across the city to become assistant to Colin Calderwood and announced to stunned Jambos that he had always been a massive Hibby.
Tip 8 Do call him Dad
One of the few employees not to be sacked by Vlad is the apple of his eye, his son and current Chairman and interim chief executive, Roman Romanov (so good Vlad named him twice). But, what do you do if Vlad refuses to adopt you?
Tip 9: Do call yourself Vlad
The only man to last longer at Tynecastle than Roman, and the only man never to be sacked by Vlad is none other than… Vlad himself. But if you’re not Vlad what do you do?
Tip 10: Become Vlad
Tynecastle could be yours for the measly price of £50 million. Which may sound expensive but it’s still cheaper than a pint on the Royal Mile, a flat in Marchmont, or hiring a taxi from Waverley station.
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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).
Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. It’s potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.
Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy
Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com
Many people are of the opinion that Vlads trouble was that he wanted to have an input as to who was allowed to play and who wasn’t.
I think I may have an explanation as to why that is.
A Lithuanian friend of mine told me that on their equivalent of Who Do You Think You Are it was found that Vlad’s father was non other than the Partick Thistle legend Ma Baw McKenna.and on his death bed his last words to his son were ” son, walk tall walk straight and look the world right in the eye he said son be a proud man and hold your head up high and never forget if it’s your baw you have the right to say who plays and who doesnae”
So if there is a problem, the blame lies not in Eastern Europe but in the West End of Glasgow.
Nice post.