Player: Why am I not playing?
Manager: Nobody is guaranteed a game.
Player: But I played last week.
Manager: That doesn’t guarantee you a game this week. I have to make tough decisions.
Player: But you have Dougie playing! He’s only got one leg, his left, and he was right footed!
Manager: He brings something else to the team. He brings his two mates.
The ex-Celtic manager Gordon Strachan said that no manager comes under as much pressure or scrutiny as an old firm boss. I disagree. He never tried to manage a 5-a-side game. Rain, hail, or shine, the 5-a-side manager has to organise a match every week. He doesn’t get a summer holiday or a winter break. He has to bring together a team of friends, friends of friends and that man everybody thought was his friend but really he doesn’t know where he came from. The manager does it all for no thanks, no pay and no glory.
So here are the ten commandments of the successful 5-aside manager.
1. If a player appeared last week he gets first dibs on next week’s game
2. If a player turns up rain, hail, or shine then they get a game over the players who pass rule 1 even when they missed last week’s game.
3. If a player has a large number of footballing mates who can play at short notice he gets in over rules 1 or 2.
5. No girls. It’s a sexist sport. If girls truly saw how crap we were at the game then we would no longer be able to come home and tell them all about that volley we scored that out van Basten’d van Basten.
6. Get bibs. Its hard enough to find a pass when you have two left feet and all the vision of Stevie Wonder, so make your team look identical.
8. You never DONT turn up without saying so in advance. Salman Rushdie didn’t get a fatwa for The Satanic Verses he got it through bumping a game for the Ayatollah Khomeini’s Powerleague team without a phone call.
So the next time Craig Levein explains how difficult it was to get players for his squad realise that his task was easy. He had 2.5 million Scotsmen to choose from. Spare a thought instead for the lowly 5- aside manager who is currently scouring his phone and Facebook to find just one man who can make it to Maryhill pitches on a wet December evening.
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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin
act in the world! There are only three comedy twin acts in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
He invites people to stalk him at http://www.facebook.com/iainmacivertodd
You forgot to add the hardest thing about managing a 5-aside team is collecting the feckin money! and who told you you can play ? although you do remind me of Samaras sometimes 😉
if kirk broadfoot can play for scotland then so can I! At least i can poach an egg without it exploding.
I forgot about the money.
rule 11 – whoever asks “who’s collecting the money” automatically becomes the person collecting the money!
Aye you forgot to mention collecting the money. The worst job! Folk not turning up with cash and forking out to make it happen every week.