Teddy’s View: Wayne Bridge’s Voodoo doll, Andy Driver’s dream boss, and Kris Boyd’s Xmas diet

It’s been confirmed by the Crown Prosecution Service that John Terry will face criminal charges over alleged racist abuse towards Anton Ferdinand. It’ll be interesting to see whether Terry conducts his own defence and calls Ashley Cole as a witness. After all, Terry usually organises his defence by shouting for somebody faster than him to cover for him. Questions are now being raised over whether he’ll be able to continue as England captain in the hypothetical event of a guilty verdict, so the FA will be hoping that the trial eventually proves JT’s respect for African & Afro-Caribbean culture. Something he certainly should have, once he takes into account the success of Wayne Bridge’s use of that John Terry voodoo doll.

Steve Kean’s misery as Blackburn manager continues. He’s still in a job despite losing to local rivals and fellow relegation candidates, Bolton. Kean must now be wondering what he has to do to secure a lucrative pay-off and escape from Ewood Park. I’d say expect to see him pick top-scorer Yakubu in goals for their next match…but given the size of Yakubu, that might just keep him in the job for a while longer. Davie Moyes was at the Blackburn v Bolton match but said that he left at half-time because he was so sickened by the abuse being dished out to his friend and fellow manager. And because he was shitting himself in case the Blackburn fans grabbed him and made him take the job.

Barcelona hammered 4 goals past Santos to win the World Club championship…and leave the Arsenal defender standing alone and confused on the pitch, tearfully asking that next year they give him another ten players to play alongside.

Sticking with Spanish clubs, the Seville President, Jose Maria del Nido, has been jailed for seven-and-a-half years for embezzlement of public funds. Kudos to the loyalty of the team’s coach, Marcelino Garcia, in the face of such negative press about his boss. Garcia said, “I hope he continues as Seville’s President and continues to be as successful as he has been until now.” Ladies and Gentlemen… I think we’ve just found the next Hearts manager.

In Scotland, Celtic’s Daniel Majstorovic will be out for around six weeks after smashing his cheekbone on St Johnstone’s player David Robertson’s skull. Robertson himself suffered concussion as a result of the crunching challenge. If nothing else, at least the injury kind of suits a tough centre-half like Majstorovic. It probably wouldn’t have worked as well for David Beckham if he’d been consigned to a life of Victoria screaming at aftershave advert directors to “Just film his good side!”. Despite the horrific nature of Big Dan’s injury, St Johnstone manager Steve Lomas suggested that the challenge may have had an element of intent. Steve…there’s hard and then there’s hard. Majstorovic isn’t that hard. Hard not to feel sorry for David Robertson over his role in the incident. He must have thought his days of waking up concussed were behind him when he stopped going for nights out with David Goodwillie.

Majstorovic’s grey twin, St Mirren’s Jim Goodwin, has been hit with a two-match ban for punching Motherwell’s Steve Jennings at the weekend. Jennings himself has also been hit with a two-match ban, apparently for being punched by Goodwin. It seems a strange outcome, and not one that anybody had their money on. Which will come as a relief to the authorities.

Across the Central Belt, the agent of Hearts’ Andy Driver has said that his client doesn’t want to play under current boss Paulo Sergio. Driver must be living a utopian dream in that case, as his manager has spent the season making sure that’s exactly what happens. Meanwhile, Ryan Stevenson has also announced that doesn’t wish to be considered for selection and that he wants to leave the club as soon as possible. Apparently he’s grown disillusioned by struggling to put food on the table for his pregnant wife. Have you seen the price of pickled onions and ice cream these days?

They’re not the only unhappy players making the papers in Scotland. “Kris Boyd quits Turkey” seems an unlikely headline to read at Christmas-time, and one that will surely be rendered untrue if Monster Munch release a yuletide-meal special edition flavour. Neil Lennon has already said that he’d be interested in a player of Boyd’s ability and that his Rangers past wouldn’t bother him. The Ayrshire-born goal machine could well be just what Lenny’s looking for. A signing that f*cks off not just the entire Rangers support, but also the Green Brigade as well. Boyd may struggle to find a team prepared to pay his £40k a week wages though. After all, he did in Turkey.

The SPL have announced that they’re to trial standing areas at matches. To be fair, those long standing areas leading to the pie stalls have proved pretty popular. Though they do tend to eventually lead to either the Gastro-Intestinal or Cardiac wards. I would say that reintroducing standing areas would give an unfair advantage to tall people, but this is Scotland we’re talking about. The pre-natal smoking takes care of that worry.

Merry Christmas to all our readers!
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About the Author

Twice runner-up in Scottish Comedian of the Year finals, Teddy was named ‘Best Up and Coming Comedian’ at the Scottish Variety Awards in 2010. He’s written for two BBC Radio 5 ‘Unsporting Reviews of the Year’, and has also worked as both writer and script editor on the BBC1 Scotland football shows ‘Offside’ & ‘Only An Excuse?’. He’s been a Rangers season-ticket holder for the past 17 years, but he’s all about the football not “all that other shite”. Also has a fondness for Dynamo Kyiv that can be traced back to an unhealthy obsession with Alexei Mikhailitchenko (or Oleksiy Mykhalychenko if you prefer to transliterate from the Ukrainian rather than the Russian. That’s the unhealthy obsession we’re talking about.)

“brilliant Scottish comic” Kate Copstick, Scotland on Sunday

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes above the rest…mighty stage presence and impressively high punchline ratio” Brian Donaldson, Scotsman

“freshly minted topical gags…pin-sharp lines…great routine…a class act” Steve Bennett, Chortle.co.uk

“has flourished…cracking lines” Jay Richardson, Scotsman

“there are few of his Scottish-based contemporaries that can spin the same high standard of punchlines” Brian Donaldson, Scotland on Sunday

You can follow Teddy on Twitter: @ComedyTeddy

Check out Teddy’s website: http://comedyteddy.com/

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