Teddy’s View: Venkys’ millions, when WAGs become GILFS, and Steve Bruce’s chocolate bourbons.

The Venky Group’s ownership of Blackburn Rovers is growing increasingly reminiscent of the Richard Pryor film Brewster’s Millions, in which his character had to waste $30m in 30 days. How else to explain giving Steve Kean improved terms on his contract and apparently authorising a “£10m transfer kitty” for the January window? All the while allowing him to lose a cup match, claim his side “forfeited it”, then backtrack to say that they treated the game “with respect”. His “forfeit” gaffe must have rubbed salt into the wounds of a Cardiff City side already smarting from the disappointment of only putting two goals past Blackburn.

Support for Kean did come from an unlikely source though, with El Hadji Diouf saying that Venky’s must sack Kean to avoid the club being relegated. Support in the sense that football supporters across the UK changed their views on Kean for about an hour, before the knee-jerk “the opposite of whatever Diouf says or does” reaction wore off.

Those asked at the 2006 World Cup, which England WAG was least likely to be offered £250k to pose naked for Playboy would surely have plumped for Nancy Dell’Olio. Incredibly though, in what can only be seen for the magazine as a move into fetish porn, exactly that has happened. Remember that old wives tale that you’ll go blind? If you’re lucky, it’ll happen before you open that copy. Alesha Dixon recently criticised Nancy’s Strictly Come Dancing performance by telling her that she needed to keep her legs closer together…and we can only pray that she’s taken that advice.

Garry Kenneth has announced that he’s to leave Dundee United. There certainly is a manager out there who’d be glad to have him…but hopefully somebody makes clear to Garry that even though Craig Levein picks all his old team-mates, Scotland aren’t a club side so he won’t be able to offer him a contract. If Garry is to find a manager in England prepared to take a chance on much maligned Scottish centre-halves, he’d better hope that Roberto Martinez hangs onto the Wigan job.

Queens Park Rangers’ owner Tony Fernandes has announced that the club are seeking to leave Loftus Road (capacity 18,000) and he thinks they can sustain a stadium taking up to 45,000 people. It’s the eternal dilemma for football fans. You want an ambitious owner, until you get one and the terror of what they might actually do sets in. To be fair, given a choice between a 45,000 stadium that may never be filled and could become a financial millstone, or having a statue of Michael Jackson in their ground… most fans would agree that Fernandes wins that particular West London derby.

Steve Bruce was called to a meeting with Sunderland owner Ellis Short to discuss the club’s future. Something that must have been awkward when it became apparent how little that topic had to do with Steve. Poor Steve. Torn between immediately storming out with pride intact or sitting through the chat about who’s better between Mark Hughes and Martin O’Neill just so he could scoff some more of the chocolate bourbons that were sitting on the boardroom table. It’s hard not to picture him dunking his fifth one with tears streaming down his face. Perhaps not streaming. Given the odd state a career as a centre-half left his face in, perhaps gathering as odd reservoirs across the Bruce relief-map. All the while trying to pluck up the courage to ask whether they had to sack him and couldn’t they just loan him out to an Emirati club on more money than he’d been on in the first place?

In the Bundesliga, Borussia Moenchengladbach kept up their flying start to the season with a 3-0 win over Cologne, during which Marco Reus and Mike Hanke settled an argument over who was going to take a free-kick by playing rock, paper, scissors. Perhaps Steve Lomas can tell the SFA that’s what he was trying to do on the touchline against Rangers a couple of weeks ago, just in the direction of the ref.

Celtic’s Beram Kayal gave journalists an early Christmas present and Celtic’s Press Office a bit of overtime by stating that his club have better players, a better squad, and play better football than Rangers. Hard to say which part of this must have annoyed Neil Lennon most. The undiplomatic spur to the Rangers players, or the fact that “better manager” didn’t make an appearance. It would certainly have been interesting to be a fly on the wall while an Arab-Israeli was lectured on the need for diplomacy in Scottish football.

Rangers lost to Kilmarnock at the weekend and Kirk Broadfoot was apparently targeted for abuse both during and after the match by a section of the Rangers support. People have been rightly quick to slam the stupid and intimidatory actions of those who confronted him, but kudos must go to their lateral thinking in believing that the lack of creative flair shown by the team after Steven Naismith’s injury is down to Kirk Broadfoot not playing to his full potential.

Hibs have announced that Billy Brown will be staying on as assistant to new manager Pat Fenlon. Some may have feared that Brown would be upset by the snub for the top job that he’d craved, but he came out and said that he’s happy to stay on to assist Fenlon as, “I now know he is a real football man”. This does raise the question of quite what else he expected? The diminutive Irishman to stroll into the manager’s office, sit down and say “F*ck me! It’s worth applying for things isn’t it? So, what do we do here and what time do we knock off?”

There could have been more changes at Easter Road, but Gordon Strachan apparently knocked back an approach to become the club’s Director of Football. The Easter Road side may have fared better had they not faxed through the contract with the words “Appointment of Rod Petrie’s Deflector Shield” printed across the top.

The main news in the footballing world this week has obviously been the tragic and untimely passing of Gary Speed. This being a light-hearted column, I hope you’ll understand that topic being left to the end and me saying no more on it than that everyone at the site was shocked and saddened by his passing. RIP.
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About the Author

Twice runner-up in Scottish Comedian of the Year finals, Teddy was named ‘Best Up and Coming Comedian’ at the Scottish Variety Awards in 2010. He’s written for two BBC Radio 5 ‘Unsporting Reviews of the Year’, and has also worked as both writer and script editor on the BBC1 Scotland football shows ‘Offside’ & ‘Only An Excuse?’. He’s been a Rangers season-ticket holder for the past 17 years, but he’s all about the football not “all that other shite”. Also has a fondness for Dynamo Kyiv that can be traced back to an unhealthy obsession with Alexei Mikhailitchenko (or Oleksiy Mykhalychenko if you prefer to transliterate from the Ukrainian rather than the Russian. That’s the unhealthy obsession we’re talking about.)

“brilliant Scottish comic” Kate Copstick, Scotland on Sunday

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes above the rest…mighty stage presence and impressively high punchline ratio” Brian Donaldson, Scotsman

“freshly minted topical gags…pin-sharp lines…great routine…a class act” Steve Bennett, Chortle.co.uk

“has flourished…cracking lines” Jay Richardson, Scotsman

“there are few of his Scottish-based contemporaries that can spin the same high standard of punchlines” Brian Donaldson, Scotland on Sunday

You can follow Teddy on Twitter: @ComedyTeddy

Check out Teddy’s website: http://comedyteddy.com/

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