Open top bus around the Toon? Ray Bradshaw ponders Newcastle for the league.
By Ray Bradshaw (@comedyray)
If you read my last article on Spurs then you will know that my briefing for this website is to take an in-depth look at a team in the top six of the English Premier League and see if they can still be challenging for the title come the beginning of May. This week I will be taking a look at Newcastle, a sentence that I never thought I would say when given this task earlier on in the year. I can’t be the only person who feared the worst for Newcastle when I saw their summer transfer activity, especially given the lack of a new big name striker. Their rise to the top four has been nothing short of remarkable and Alan Pardew deserves a huge amount of credit for what he has managed to do this season. (Mike Ashley deserves a little bit of credit but he’s a bit of a dick so I’m not going to bother with him! Ach, fair play to him for taking a gamble. After all…that’s how he met Pardew.)
After a reasonably solid 12th place finish last season in their first year back after being relegated, Pardew (or Ashley?) seemed to be content with dismantling Newcastle piece by piece, starting with letting some of their key players go. Kevin Nolan was first out of the door despite scoring 12 goals from central midfield, three of which were a hat-trick against fierce local rivals Sunderland. Nolan ended up moving down a division to West Ham to be reunited with his old mentor Sam Allardyce and continue their semi pseudo-grooming relationship.
"Alan! Do you have a Twitter account?"
The controversial figure of Joey Barton kicked off about the sale of his old buddy Nolan and was next on the list to go. Despite Joey’s own claims that clubs all over the world wanted him – no doubt due to his self proclaimed status of the best midfielder in England – Barton ended up at newly promoted QPR. Joey claimed that Arsene Wenger spoke to him about moving to the Emirates, and this does sound plausible. After Joey B’s overreaction got Gervinho sent off earlier in the season, Wenger probably would have suggested putting Joey on a flight to the Emirates, China, Australia, or wherever was furthest.
Another star performer in Jose Enrique also left for Liverpool, leaving the Toon Army short of three of their better players from the season before. However, a quick look at the current table shows that none of these three players went to any of the teams currently above Newcastle in the table. Maybe that Silver Fox Pardew knew what he was doing along!
This season Newcastle have surprised nearly everyone with their performances and winning runs. In the first 14 games of the season they have lost only once (a 3-1 defeat to champions elect Manchester City). Even at the weekend when they were fortunate enough to get a penalty that never was against Manchester United it was impossible to begrudge a team doing so well without any big star names or mega-million signings. When you look at the squad it is obvious that Newcastle have eleven players playing for each other and the shirt, not just for their weekly wage like many other teams in the same division. This combined with some other key facts have defined their season so far, the rest of which are outlined below.
Tim Krul
We'd attempt to humorously caption this... but it's a pretty difficult photo to misinterpret.
The young Dutchman has been in magnificent form this season and has been an ever-present between the sticks for Newcastle. Starting the season as first choice, Krul managed to keep clean sheets against both Arsenal and Sunderland and has never looked back. Despite only being 23, relatively young for a goalkeeper, Krul has been commanding his box quite superbly and these performances have enabled him to win his first couple of caps for Holland recently. His weekly heroics have kept Steve Harper on the bench, a seat that will surely be named after him whenever he finally leaves the club. It’s no exaggeration to say that he’s a player whose Newcastle career would have been decimated by a bad case of piles. (If Fabio Capello is to be believed then Andy Carroll’s current career problems are very close to this, being caused by a case of Pils.)
The re-emergence of the old Coloccini
When Fabricio Coloccini first signed for Newcastle, I was as giddy as a school girl at the prospect of the defender that I had seen dominate Champions League games for Deportivo becoming a regular on match of the day and bringing a bit of class to the Premier League. Whether it was the pressure of being a ten million pound player or not being able to adjust to the English game, this mop haired centre back never lived up to the hype and looked set to be a massive let down.
How to get a defender's confidence back? Loan him out to a Championship club for a season? Nah, take it the whole way. Become a Championship club for a season then reap the rewards.
Slowly but surely over the past eighteen months, Coloccini has been beginning to find his form of old and has gone on to become the Newcastle captain and a mainstay in defence. It is his partnership with Steven Taylor that has provided the rearguard for Newcastle’s push up the table, a run that has seen them only concede 12 goals, making them the meanest defence in the Premier League. Steven Taylor himself is also finally beginning to live up to the potential he showed early on in his career and his performances have become more intelligent and less chest-thumping. A relief for referees who no longer have to hold in their laughter as he dives across goal to palm the ball clear before clutching his ribcage in mock-agony.
Playing Ryan Taylor as a left back
Ryan Taylor is a player who has been on the periphery at Newcastle for a while, floating in and out of the first team. Prior to this season his versatility has let him down as managers were never sure where to play him, whether it be right back, right midfield or central midfield. When faced with a defensive crisis earlier on in the season, Pardew stuck Taylor in an unfamiliar left back position to cover for Davide Santon. Taylor has thrived in this unusual position, helping himself to a screamer of a strike against Everton on his way to collecting the Man of the Match award for the same game. Taylor also offers the extra threat of excellent set piece deliveries when called upon, allowing himself to be a game changer when called upon.
The Central Midfield Partnership
A midfield missing Barton & Nolan? Em...no.
For me this is the main reason that Newcastle have been doing as well as they have up until now. Yohan Cabaye has been one of the buys of the season as the box to box midfielder has slotted perfectly into the Newcastle team, taking on the role of a playmaker when necessary. Cabaye has looked superb each time I have seen him play this season, perhaps because his job has been made easier by playing alongside the brutal midfield enforcer Cheik Tiote.
Tiote is a beast of a man who relishes the midfield dirty work, allowing Cabaye to focus on the more free-flowing aspect of the game. So far this season, Tiote has only picked up a booking every three games, something of an improvement for him. The two central midfield players both have completely different ways of playing the game, but when they come together it is beautiful to watch. Tiote signed a six and a half year deal with the club recently, showing how much the board regard him as a talent for the future. This was shortly after he was linked with a 20 million pound move to Chelsea though, so it’ll be interesting to see how this one develops.
Demba “Goal Machine” Ba
With Christmas coming up...every Geordie parent's favourite player.
It is crazy to think that a team whose strike force consists of Demba Ba and Leon Best are flying high in the Premier League, but that is the position that Newcastle find themselves in. While Best has chipped in with three goals in the league this season, it is Ba who is the Geordies’ main man with nine league goals in 12 games; with only the machine that is Robin Van Persie, Edin Dzeko and Kun Aguero having scored more.
In fact, Ba’s goals have accounted for nearly 50% of all of Newcastle’s goals in the league this season, a remarkable figure. One thing that has weighed in Newcastle’s favour is Ba’s desire to prove the people who doubted him wrong; a good example being Stoke who turned down the chance to sign him earlier in the year saying that he would fail a medical. How did Ba counter these comments? With a hat-trick in a 3-1 win at the Brittania on Halloween of course. Hopefully Ba made Tony Pulis feel a bit sheepish about that decision. (That is quite truly a horrific joke.) Pardew was also keen to keep the pressure of that iconic Toon no.9 shirt away from the striker’s shoulders…though it’s hard to escape the thought that Mike Ashley was already so devastated at losing out on shirt-lettering money from Ba that he refused to allow him a single-digit squad number too. Demba’s probably lucky not to have a squad number in four-figures.
Can Newcastle win the League then?
Obesity. When a scarf becomes a tie.In a word, no. They could however still be in the running for a Europa League place at the end of the season, something I’m certain that the Newcastle fans would have snatched your hand off for if offered to them at the start of the season. The true test will come when Newcastle enter the obligatory dip in form at some point this season. Some fall away completely like Hull after their excellent start a few years ago, or some thrive under the pressure like Spurs when they snatched fourth place from City two years ago.
On a side note, Pardew has not yet spent much if any of the £35million accrued for Andy Carroll, something that could definitely be outlaid on another striker. Newcastle’s history of big money signings is nothing to write home about (See Woodgate and Owen for details), but if Pardew could pick up a couple of proven goalscorers for the second half of the season then surely the only way is up. And if Pardew does get them into Europe, then he deserves all the accolades he can get. Sadly, the likelihood is that Mike Ashley will probably just give him a £1million pound bonus and force him to change his name to Alan “Sports Direct” Pardew as part of the deal.
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About the Author
Having made his comedy debut in September 2008, Ray has quickly established himself as one of the most exciting new acts on the comedy circuit. A two time Scottish Comedian of The Year finalist, Ray has travelled the lengths and breadths of the country telling jokes to anyone that will listen, making his name as an MC for various promoters.
Ray is a Partick Thistle fan who has an unhealthy obsession with Jean-Yves Anis and Paul Walker. The only players who have ever come close to such admiration since are Emile Heskey, Marlon “Fox in the Box” Harewood and Charlie Adam (his left foot only.)
Ray currently manages a saturday morning amateur team known as the mighty West Glasgow, where he is affectionately known as the “Ginger Mourinho” or simply the “Dick on the touchline”. A keen footballer, Ray likes to think his dead ball skills are similar to Shunsuke Nakamura, but at time they are more like Hiro Nakamura from Heroes. As a well known John Hartson impersonator, Ray is versatile in the emergency striker role when needed and can also kick Eyal Berkovic in the face upon request.
“Very funny” – STV
“a very promising writer, able to create some enjoyably twisted punchlines” – Chortle
“Has a Clear Comedy Gift” – Edinburgh Evening News
