Teddy’s View: No smoke without fired at Chelsea, Barton’s back on the boos… and introducing Peter Loyal.

Episode 9 of the Scottish Comedy FC podcast is out now! To hear it and to download other episodes and subscribe via iTunes, please click SCFC iTunes or for non-iTunes users, please click SCFC Libsyn

This being a light-hearted column, I hope you’ll understand if I offer my best wishes to both Fabrice Muamba and Liam Kelly and then move on from those topics.

Sir Alex has said that if Manchester City want to try to play mind-games during the title run-in then he has plenty of ammunition. Roberto Mancini and Patrick Vieira had taken a swipe at Fergie for bringing Paul Scholes out of retirement, so now Fergie has suggested the return of Carlos Tevez is more desperate. Of course, there’s no parallel between Carlos Tevez and Paul Scholes. One refused to play in a match! While the other just refused to warm-up.

Chelsea have sacked Jacob Mellis for letting off a smoke grenade in the dressing room. As a Russian oligarch, Abramovich’s first question to him must have been “Where did you get that?!”, followed by “Can you get any more?”, “Discount for a bulk order?”, and “Any more off for cash?”

QPR beat Chelsea 3-2, coming back from 2-0 down. The fightback came when captain Joey Barton was substituted for Jamie Mackie. Barton later admitted on Twitter that his performance had been “sh*t”, but said he’ll overcome the fans who booed him. What Joey didn’t admit was what a proud moment it must have been for him. Finally managing to have football fans look beyond the assault, the cigar-stubbing, the punch-up in Thailand, and the Warnock tweets…to boo him for what he does on the pitch.

Lionel Messi has broken Barca’s competitive goals record. He’s now scored 234 goals in 314 games, surpassing the previous holder’s record of 232 goals. Not his greatest achievement of the week though. That was being accused by Syrian State media of sending coded messages to rebel fighters via the direction of his twisting dribbles. Presumably Cristiano Ronaldo’s movements on a football pitch are sending coded messages to a submarine somewhere.

Charles N’Zogbia gave an interview to a French newspaper in which he was quoted as saying he was “disgusted” by some of Alex McLeish’s actions, and that McLeish shouldn’t talk about players spending their money on cars as it’s his money and he can spend it on what he wants. Predictably, he’s now said that he was misquoted. He may want to spend his money on getting a translator to prove that to McLeish.

Danny Lennon was furious with the Hearts board for signing Craig Beattie ahead of them by offering him more money…then delaying paying those wages. Paulo Sergio was no doubt raging at Lennon…for getting in ahead of him to slag off the Hearts board. Sergio was unhappy that Hearts released a club statement blaming fringe players for exacerbating the club’s financial problems by not leaving. Only at Tynecastle is loyalty demonstrated by slapping in a transfer request.

Jim Jefferies has been appointed manager of Dunfermline, a role that will see him come into conflict with his old assistant, Billy Brown at Hibs. Then again, apparently playing for Hibs will also see you come into conflict with Billy Brown if stories about Leigh Griffiths’ behaviour are to be believed. Hibs have slammed the Daily Mail’s reports that Griffiths headbutted manager Pat Fenlon and punched Brown. The reports of a punch seem particularly ludicrous. Nobody who’s watched Griffiths this season could believe that he’d risk damaging his gesturing hand.

The man who Griffiths effectively replaced at Easter Road, both in terms of goals and in terms of sheer bawbaggery, Derek Riordan, is now on trial at St Johnstone. Having trained with Kilmarnock and Blackpool after leaving his Chinese club, Riordan seems to have spent most of this season on trial. Something he shares with former strike partner, Garry O’Connor.

Four bids are now on the table for Rangers, with a fifth apparently waiting in the wings. Brian Kennedy met with Ally McCoist this week to discuss his bid. Being linked to Sale Sharks certainly seems like a more promising option than being linked to loan sharks. I jest, nobody the club has recently had links with could be compared to a loan shark. Loan sharks actually do give you the money in the first place.

Celtic Chief Exec Peter Lawwell has produced a more awkward turn than Mo Bangura in the box by announcing that Celtic and Rangers would stand together against any changes to the distribution of tv money or to voting structures that the other 10 SPL clubs may wish to make. “We don’t need Rangers” now seems like it should have been lengthened to “We don’t need Rangers…but we do need their vote.” It would seem that at Celtic, flip-flops aren’t just for pre-season tours.

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About the Author

Twice runner-up in Scottish Comedian of the Year finals, Teddy was named ‘Best Up and Coming Comedian’ at the Scottish Variety Awards in 2010. He’s written for two BBC Radio 5 ‘Unsporting Reviews of the Year’, and has also worked as both writer and script editor on the BBC1 Scotland football shows ‘Offside’ & ‘Only An Excuse?’. He’s been a Rangers season-ticket holder for the past 17 years, but he’s all about the football not “all that other shite”. Also has a fondness for Dynamo Kyiv that can be traced back to an unhealthy obsession with Alexei Mikhailitchenko (or Oleksiy Mykhalychenko if you prefer to transliterate from the Ukrainian rather than the Russian. That’s the unhealthy obsession we’re talking about.)

“brilliant Scottish comic” Kate Copstick, Scotland on Sunday

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes above the rest…mighty stage presence and impressively high punchline ratio” Brian Donaldson, Scotsman

“freshly minted topical gags…pin-sharp lines…great routine…a class act” Steve Bennett, Chortle.co.uk

“has flourished…cracking lines” Jay Richardson, Scotsman

“there are few of his Scottish-based contemporaries that can spin the same high standard of punchlines” Brian Donaldson, Scotland on Sunday

You can follow Teddy on Twitter: @ComedyTeddy

Check out Teddy’s website: http://comedyteddy.com/

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