Teddy's View: Cantona Kung-Fu's Sarkozy, Henry busts the bookies, & Boyd's a human Dynamo?

Teddy crouching FC — By Teddy (@ComedyTeddy)

It’s been an interesting week for legendary French strikers. Eric Cantona suggested that he may be interested in running for the French presidency – a vote he surely couldn’t win. If people want major European nations to be led by people committed to bringing about the collapse of the world’s banks then they may as well stick with what they’ve got. On the other hand, the French people may see it as an opportunity to cultivate a slightly more ‘butch’ image on the world stage. The thought of a televised debated between Cantona and Sarkozy being brought to an abrupt halt by a kung-fu kick is an enthralling one. Even if an attempt at a flying kung-fu kick on Sarkozy would only result in Cantona sailing over Sarko’s head.

The other French goalscoring Premier League legend, Thierry Henry, marked his Arsenal return with the only goal of the game against Leeds. The bookies apparently took a million-pound hit on Henry getting that goal. They’re lucky nobody had stuck a pound a month ago on David Healy and Salim Kerkar both scoring in the same game for Rangers. Ladbrokes would now be in receivership.

Cantona bodypaint — Just be glad nobody's suggested a photoshoot like this to Alex Salmond.

The Old Firm dispatched their lower league opponents with relative ease in the Scottish Cup, but Hearts struggled their way to a 1-0 win over Auchinleck Talbot. It was surprising that Paulo Sergio didn’t decide to give Craig Thomson a run-out in the match, given that Auchinleck are one of the only Junior teams he’d legally be allowed to play against. Thomson must also rue the fact that he’s not afforded the glamorous status of players in the English Premier League. Mario Balotelli pulls his car over and walks into a High School and he’s one of the game’s characters. If Thommo tried the same thing…well, it’s probably best that he doesn’t.

After years of having to put up with conspiracy theories about warm balls / cold balls, the SFA decided to put an end to any notion of ‘fixing’ by having the Scottish Cup draw conducted by former Juventus manager, Marcello Lippi. If you can’t trust Juventus officials, who can you trust? The man who should have beaten Liam Neeson to the role of Hannibal in the A-Team movie was joined by Chelsea boss Andre Villas-Boas. To make AVB feel at home, once he’d completed the draw half of the SFA officials present rushed to hug him in congratulation while the other half stood on the other side of the room staring daggers at him.

Lippi also had the aid of a translator for the draw, in the shape of Kilmarnock captain Manuel Pascali. Hopefully when the SFA contacted Pascali to tell him they wanted to book him, he replied “F*cking hell, not again!”

Hannibal — Lippi loves it when an offside trap comes together.

Manu may soon have a new team-mate at Killie as Derek Riordan has been training at the club, one of the few clubs in Scotland he’s not banned from. It seems unlikely that Deeks will be signing on at Rugby Park though, as Kenny Shiels has convinced his son Dean to take “a massive hit financially” to stay with the club for the rest of the season. Presumably this makes for suitably confusing family gatherings, where Kenny swaps between managerial and parental personalities, alternating shouts of “It’s not about the money, it’s about the football!” and “Well you tell this boss of yours that you have a mortgage to pay!”

Tax implications are reportedly another factor making it unlikely that Riordan will sign for a Scottish club in this window, and he’s now being linked with a move to Turkish club Kayserispor. The same Kayserispor, bossed by Shota Arveladze, who wanted Kris Boyd before he went to Middlesbrough. The fact they’re willing to move for another Scottish striker after seeing how Boyd eventually did in Turkey suggests that they’re operating a transfer policy heavily influenced by the film Brewster’s Millions.
Boyd himself has been linked with a move to Houston Dynamo. No doubt the first time he’s asked to track back by the coach, he’ll gain the nickname ‘Apollo 13’. From the Dynamo fans realising that “Houston, we have a problem…”.

Boyd kneeling — That's the best thing about scoring. Getting to take that wee rest after it.

Liverpool have announced that Steven Gerrard has signed a new “long-term” contract. No further word on quite what that means yet…as it could probably be worded as either five years or 30 matches and still run for the same length of time. Stevie G’s one-club career is still a shining light in the modern age though, especially with the news that AC Milan’s move for Carlos Tevez has broken down. A shame that a once great club like Milan are unable to meet fairly modest personal terms of £200k a week, a win bonus, and a Star Trek transporter to get him back and forward between training and Buenos Aires.

An unhappy Premier League player who you do feel for a bit more is Blackburn’s Christopher Samba, who’s announced a desire to leave Ewood Park because “Things have not happened as I was told they would”. Something which suggests he visited the sh*ttest fortune teller in Lancashire as most people in the area could have told him that this was exactly the way things were going to happen. Still, the grass isn’t always greener. He may find himself a bit downbeat after he signs for PSG and realises that he’s going to have to start buying his own chicken for dinner.

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About the Author

Twice runner-up in Scottish Comedian of the Year finals, Teddy was named ‘Best Up and Coming Comedian’ at the Scottish Variety Awards in 2010. He’s written for two BBC Radio 5 ‘Unsporting Reviews of the Year’, and has also worked as both writer and script editor on the BBC1 Scotland football shows ‘Offside’ & ‘Only An Excuse?’. He’s been a Rangers season-ticket holder for the past 17 years, but he’s all about the football not “all that other shite”. Also has a fondness for Dynamo Kyiv that can be traced back to an unhealthy obsession with Alexei Mikhailitchenko (or Oleksiy Mykhalychenko if you prefer to transliterate from the Ukrainian rather than the Russian. That’s the unhealthy obsession we’re talking about.)

“brilliant Scottish comic” Kate Copstick, Scotland on Sunday

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes above the rest…mighty stage presence and impressively high punchline ratio” Brian Donaldson, Scotsman

“freshly minted topical gags…pin-sharp lines…great routine…a class act” Steve Bennett, Chortle.co.uk

“has flourished…cracking lines” Jay Richardson, Scotsman

“there are few of his Scottish-based contemporaries that can spin the same high standard of punchlines” Brian Donaldson, Scotland on Sunday