Sticks and stone may break my bones but names are commercial opportunites

Manager: Listen up lads! This is the team. In goals we have sexy fingers

Goalkeeper – Who boss? Me boss??

Manager – Yes you!

Goalkeeper – but my name is Rab. Its not sexy….

Manager – …fingers SHUT IT! You are now SEXY FINGERS because last week due to your terrible hands we were f*cked!

Many experts argue the decline in Scottish football occurred when kids stopped playing football on the streets and started playing football on their PlayStations instead. I believe our decline started when we stopped coming up with good nicknames for our players.

A great nickname has to pass the “does your mum know them?” test. Let me explain. The greatest current nickname is “One Size”. Do you know who that is? I bet you don’t. Let me give you more information. He plays for Queen Park Rangers. Any idea? Guesses? Let’s make it easier. His first name is Fitz and his surname is Hall. “One Size” Fitz Hall has the greatest nickname in Football but he fails the Mum test. She thought it was where my Auntie got married.

In the 1960’s we had “Slim” Jim Baxter and Jimmy “Jinky” Johnstone. The 1970’s brought us Dennis “the Lawman” Law and Archibald “Archie” Gemmill (admittedly not all nicknames were great but at least you knew who they described.) The 1980’s gave us “Champagne” Charlie Nicholas and Alan “Rambo” McInally. Finally in the 1990s we had Alistair “Super Ally” McCoist and Duncan “Big Dunc” Ferguson.

But in the 21st century our players have become so anoymous that even Craig Levein says “who’s that with the ball? Is he one of ours?” It shouldn’t be hard to come up with names as we have players so desperate for a nickname that their real name already sounds funny. I’m refering to the man named after a hobbit – Kirk Broadfoot – who couldn’t tackle an egg recipe without injuring himself.

The last nickname to pass the mum test was “Big Dunc.” A beast of a striker who was unafraid to attack man or ball. He went to jail for headbutting a Raith Rovers player on the pitch and became the only criminal to ever use the alibi “but the ref didn’t book me so I can’t be guilty!” His time in jail must have led to a distrust of the police because when two thieves broke into his house he didn’t deal with it using the full force of the law but the full force of his fists. His last appearance for Scotland was in a 1998 World Cup Qualifier. The last world cup that scotland appeared in. Since then we’ve had no great nicknames and becasue of that we’ve had no worldcups.

Lets go back to basics. We need to teach kids on the playground to stop being so Politically correct and start calling each other names!

Here is the Scottish comedy FC guide to nicknames:

DON’T – Use a racial or physical attribute to name the player. Not because it’s racist or offensive but because it’s too easy. Anyone can call a short man shorty but it take a true genius to call him a homunculus. Google it!

DO – Call a man who plays the field both on and off the pitch “Shagger”.

DON’T – Use “Shagger” in post match interviews. Use initials instead. Thank John “JT” Terry for ruining it for everyone else.

DO – Call a man who is so scared of women he cant even phone his mum “Shagger”. Alanis Morissette will explain why.

DON’T – Refer to yourself by your own nickname. “Toddinho” hates that.

DO – Come up with something unique. The world doesnt need another “Gazza”/“Wazza”/ “Dazza”.

DON’T – Americanise the name. Nobody wants a “The” and “-ster” added to their surname. It makes you sound like a product on QVC (that nobody wants).

If Scotland want to play like Brazil then we have to name our players like them! Not one of their players use the name their mum bestowed on them. I told my Mum that Edson Arantes do Nascimento was the greatest footballer of all time. She replied that he wasn’t. The greatest footballer of all time was “Pele”.

If you know any great nicknames for a player at your local pro or amateur side then please let me know by leaving a comment.

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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.

Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! There are only three comedy twin acts in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.

He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
He invites people to stalk him at http://www.facebook.com/iainmacivertodd

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