Scottish Comedy FC’s 2012 predictions!

Happy New Year to all of you! It’s a New Year and that brings with it fresh hopes and expectations. Or does it? We’ve asked the team here to come up with a couple of New Year predictions each, one funny and one serious. Which is which? You decide:

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1. Kris Boyd will not sign for Celtic: Do you remember the film ‘The Crying Game’? Do you remember that scene where that beautiful gorgeous lassie turned out to be a secret laddie?

And do you remember thinking for the rest of the film that despite her wood, you probably almost definitely would? I have those same conflicted urges when I think of the arrogant and divisive figure of Kris Boyd in a Celtic top. I know he scores goals – lots of goals – but how can I love him when underneath those green and white hoops is nothing but a huge cock? I don’t know if I can cope with those feelings again, so please, Neil Lennon don’t sign Kris Boyd!

2. The Bigot Bill will be shown the red card: The Offensive Behaviour at Football and Threatening Communications (Scotland) Bill is an appalling piece of legislation. (Did you know it applies to anyone going to a football game “whether they were intending to or not” – so that would be anyone going anywhere then?)

While sectarianism is a blight that must be tackled, ill thought out punitive punishment is not the answer. My hope is that 2012 will see the Bill fall into disuse and the Scottish Government looks at the real answer to sectarianism in Scotland – a proper long term systematic education and elimination programme that realises that cultural change takes decades not headlines.

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1. The English FA decide that they do want the Old firm to join the EPL after all. With the increased revenue Ally and Neil go mental and buy big. Rangers buy Ballotelli who starts his first game by revealing a tattoo of Walter Smith (complete with his 90’s waistcoat/cardigan). That night he then proceeds to drive around Glasgow on the hen party fire engine which is equipped with a massive sound system. He plays every Rangers song banned under the new sectarianism laws and becomes the new laws most high profile offender

Lennon signs the entire Irish national team and then defends allegations that he is trying to stoke the flames by signing John Brown, Iain Ferguson and Paul Gascoigne to his backroom staff. Lennon gets sacked after an incident in Glasgow city centre and a hen party fire engine and his new backroom team take over leading celtic onto their most successful run in history. Due to the new management team though attendences hit an all time low.

2. The SPL slips futher down the pecking order of British football with Rangers and Celtic losing out on players due to rival bids from English 1st division teams. Both halves of the old firm exit Europe in late July to teams from Eastern europe with names no one can pronouce properly. Hearts get relegated to the 3rd division due to financial irregularities and non payment of player wages. Hibs have 2 more new managers. Anytime Aberdeen appear in a newspaper article, the article will always contain the word ‘crisis’.

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1. Hibs win the Scottish cup after a January influx of good players and hitting form at the right time.

2. Falkirk football club collapse, the doors are closed and it could be the end of “The Bairns”. Well, they did just hire Elton John to play a concert. And you know what they say about it not being over…….

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1. Victor Wanyama will be named Young Player of the Year in Scotland.

2. Craig Whyte is confirmed as Alan Sugar’s replacement on The Apprentice. The show immediately moves to STV.

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1. By the end of the season Gareth Bale is being referred to by commentators as ‘The Welsh Lee Wallace’ following a string of poweful and goal-scoring performances from the Rangers player. Sasa Papac & John Fleck alternate between providing his assists as a Rangers team shorn of the opportunity to play high balls to the injured Lafferty and departed Jelavic (£20m to Barcelona) keep the ball on the deck and go goal-crazy from the resulting Total Football extravaganza. (This is the serious one. What?)

2. Hearts players become so sickened by their delayed wage payments that they band together to rob Ukio Bankas. Marius Zaliukas takes on the role of ‘Oddball’ from the film Kelly’s Heroes as he sits atop a tank rolling down Laisves Aleja (Liberty Boulevard) in Kaunas, on it’s way to blow a hole in Vlad’s bank (Ian Black’s initial suggestion that he break into the vault by making a two-footed studs-up tackle on it having been voted down). Ryan Stevenson asks to re-enter the fold to be involved in the robbery…but is rejected on the grounds that his tattoos might make him too recognisable when the CCTV footage hits Lithuanian Crimewatch. The Hearts players become instant multi-millionaires…but foolishly decide to use the money to buy Hearts. Hence Vlad gets his money back, and the players are soon calling in the Players’ Union to demand sanctions against themselves for non-payment of their own wages.

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Please feel free to post your own 2012 predictions in the comments section below.

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