Recently you may have been made aware of the new footballer prototype that comes with superhuman/extra-terrestrial powers. The technology is in its infancy so there are no footballers with all of this technology at once, which of course could kill them. You have Leo Messi with his magnetic left boot – which we all know about, as well as Charlie Adam’s lead right foot, and Wayne Rooney’s robo-penis 2.0 that self destructs if not used every 24 hours.
The latest release (the iPad 2 if you will) is the footballer with steel forehead, which borrows the idea of the workmen wearing steel toe-cap boots, and is used mainly for protection. You may also have noticed that there is a prevalent design fault contained in this latest release and unfortunately it causes anyone who brushes against it, or indeed has it brushed against it to be completely annihilated due to the release of a chemical, which I am naming CB-TAD.
CB-TAD (or cheating bassa-took a dive to give it its full name) causes the recipient to absorb some of the toxic chemical through any part of their pores and renders them completely flat on their back and writhing in agony. Luckily they seem to have recovered sufficiently to carry on the game after a short break, and return to the match with a grimace or smirk.
Recent victims of CB-TAD exposure include high profile cases of Ivan Sproule in the Edinburgh derby, and Bradley Johnson of Norwich in their recent match against QPR. Unfortunately for both poor victims they were unaware of Ryan McGowan and Joey Barton having recently having steel foreheads with the dreaded CB-TAD evident and they suffered full exposure at their respective games.
We can only hope that this design fault is remedied quickly and the victims Sproule and Johnson are not affected mentally by any of the long term side effects, primarily being short term memory loss. They have our utmost respect for surviving this awful event.
We can only be glad that this is a new technology and was never available to the likes of footballing alumni Zidane, Gattuso and Big Dunc of Ferguson…
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About the Author
At 31 years old, Ross Leslie, is a relative latecomer to the comedy scene and with his general appearance you would be forgiven for thinking he is an even later-comer, which is a phrase that should hopefully not catch on as it sounds a little uncouth.
As well as starting out in the stand-up comedy world, Ross writes articles and blogs for various other websites and has other TV and radio projects in the pipeline that will probably never see the light of day, however at least it has cured his Football Manager addiction.
A lifelong Rangers fan, Ross’s first game was at Tynecastle in 1986 to watch Hearts hump us 3-1, when they used to be a football team and not the tabloid-fodder they have become. His favourite human being (apart from any family or friends reading this) are Alistair (Ally to everyone apart from Walter Smith for some reason) McCoist, with (King) Kenny Miller a close second.
Best memory from supporting Rangers was when leaving Ibrox after Rangers had annihilated Sturm Graz 5-0 telling his impressionable younger brother that he would take him to the Champions League Final they would definitely be making this year.
Please visit Ross on his Tumblr blog and Twitter page for more disappointment and resentment.
Follow Ross on Twitter: @misterross
Read Ross’ blog: http://mum-blings.tumblr.com/
