Our man Teddy reports from the big one! SFM Senec v MFK Zemplin Michalovce…?

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I’ve been in Bratislava since Sunday the 3rd of March, embarking upon a two-week intensive Slovak language course. The missus is Slovakian, I’ve not just picked that language at random. Having realised that I’d be in Slovakia for two weeks, my thoughts turned to what football matches I could attend. The first fixture within handy travelling distance that was looming was SK SFM Senec versus MFK Zemplin Michalovce, a 2nd tier match to be played on Friday evening.

Prečo nie? (Why not?)

I’d seen the ground on Google Maps and it looked close to the train station, but it’s always a relief when you get out of a foreign train station and can actually see the stadium!

I approached the ticket booth and handed over my 2.50Euro. Imagine my bemusement to then also be handed a free programme and fixture list. You can’t argue with Slovak value.

Once inside the ground, the buffet hut was selling ciganska pecienka,a roll with either hot chicken or pork steak served with mustard. Another 2.50Euro for one of them hit the spot, along with 0.60Euro for a 300ml beer.

When I consider what my food & drink options would be in a Scottish football stadium – and the cost – it becomes hard not to weep. At some point grounds in Scotland will surely stop selling Bovril. We’ll wail and gnash our teeth, bemoaning the demise of all that’s great about the game…but really, who drinks Bovril? Still, the classic “a*sehole who sits behind you” doesn’t become more of a tw*t the more Bovril he drinks, so I suppose until Scottish people learn to drink properly, we’re stuck without beer in our football stadiums.

My dad tells me that in the old days, stands in Scottish football stadiums would often have guys hiring out cushions for the match. Punters would throw the coin down to the cushion man and in return he’d throw you a cushion. I didn’t see any cushion sellers at the match, but I did see quite a few people who’d brought their own cushions!

It reminded me of a period in the early to mid-noughties when I was living on Leith Walk in Edinburgh and a shop that sold a mish-mash of goods (sporting goods, giftware…and it was also a florist!) had obviously had a clear-out of their backroom and come across a cornucopia of 1980s stock. Hence, their window had been transformed into a collection of cut-price cushions, featuring Duran Duran, Wham and Culture Club. The card in the window read “The seats are hard at Easter Road, why not take your own cushion?”

I bought two Culture Club cushions. Really.

Did I attempt to discover what the reaction would be to taking them to Easter Road or any other football stadium?

Did I f**k.

Anyway, I digress.

Senec play in the stadium of Slovakia’s National Training Centre, meaning that there are another couple of pitches there too. It’s a nice wee stadium and Wikipedia informs me that it has a capacity of 3,264. Though if my Slovak serves me correctly, I think I heard the attendance being announced as 335, congregated mainly in the same stand as I was in.

I hadn’t bothered to consult a league table before the match so I left it down to my observational skills to guess the respective placings of the club. After 20 minutes, I was pretty sure that Michalovce were going for promotion, while Senec were probably somewhere between midtable and relegation-battling scrappers.

Michalovce looked far better in possession and also had wide players prepared to take their man on and able to beat them. Sitting in front of their defence was their No.20, who – thanks to Slovakia’s Šport newspaper and their handy squad lists – I’m able to identify as Oliver Podhorin.

By half-time I had a full-on man-crush as in the distance he looked to me like Nedvěd but playing like Beckenbauer.

I may be exaggerating.

However, by half-time, the score was 1-1. Senec had taken the lead against the run of play. The run of play being Michalovce providing all the trickery and nice touches…and Senec some percentage-playing long balls and physicality. On 34 minutes though Senec flighted a free-kick into the Michalovce box, it wasn’t cleared properly and fell to No.17, Tomáš Hanzel (Thanks again Šport) to lash into the net.

The crowd went wild. Or at least, were reasonably chuffed.

Speaking of the crowd, I mentioned the cushions as being a retro touch…imagine my fears of having been sucked into a time vortex when, in the stand on the other side of the pitch from me, a fan produced a rattle. That’s right, a rattle. Like it was some kind of Pathé News FA Cup special.

Anyway.

Michalovce’s equaliser came as a reward for their technical abilities. One of their players performed a Cruyff turn in the box, leading to a clumsy Senec challenge and the awarding of a penalty. Michalovce’s No.10, 36 year-old Vladimír Janočko (by now you know where that info was sourced…) duly slotted home.

In general, the ref didn’t seem to be a fan of Janočko. Later on in the match Senec’s No.3, Róbert Ujčík caught him late with his studs and was probably lucky not to be sent off. The ref didn’t even give the foul. On another occasion Janočko was clearly shoved out of possession, but the ref just waved his hand and indicated to him to get up. According to Wiki, Janočko played over 100 matches for Austria Vienna and over 40 times for the Slovak national team, so maybe the ref was just in the mood to take a returned hero down a peg or two.

Incidentally, Wiki also informs me that Ujčík was on Derby County’s books as a youth player.

There was no singing from the crowd and not a great deal of shouting. What this meant however – especially in a ground of that size – was that any shouting that did occur was clearly audible. Hence, it was hard not to feel sorry for the defender who’d given away the penalty as he was berated by an old guy in front of me, both in the immediate aftermath and then again as he trudged off the field at half-time. “Debil” and “kokot” were the insults of choice being directed towards the unfortunate player. For “debil” think something approximate to “retard” (though probably carrying a less politically incorrect connotation in Slovakia than that word) and for “kokot” something approximate to d*ckhead.

If you want to discover the effect of shouting these at a Slovak, let me direct you to a cautionary tale from a few years ago of me sharing some of my early Slovak learning with an inebriated mate of the missus. Having shared a few swear words that I’d learned – to his amusement, he went outside of the pub for a smoke. When he came back, I’d googled some more and said “si kokot!” (you are a kokot)

He was drunk enough to have forgotten the context in which I was offering this statement…and had to be restrained.

At half-time I headed back to the refreshment stall. Despite the temptingly cheap price of beer, the temperature was starting to fall and I needed something hot. If there’s a ground in Scotland that sells Fruits of the Forest tea at half-time, then I’m not aware of it. Feel free to get in touch.

Eight minutes into the 2nd half, Michalovce took a deserved lead. Ujčík plunged his studs into Janočko’s thigh as I mentioned, but perhaps the ref not giving a free-kick worked out for the best for Michalovce as they were able to pick up possession again, work the ball into the box and score.

The lead only lasted two minutes though. Senec managed to actually put together a good move with an interchange of passing down the left leading to the ball being played into the box slotted into the net by No11, Ladislav Belkovics.

Thereafter, the match became far more equally balanced. Michalovce showing the better touches, but lacking penetration. Seneca content to play on the break. Neither side could muster another goal and the game finished 2-2.

To show that some things are the same wherever you watch football, the loud, angry debil-shouting man had left on 86mins.

So…my keen eye had marked out Michalovce as title-chasers and Senec as struggling cloggers. Did the league table bear out my expert summation? Did it f**k.

Senec are two points off the top, Michalovce are mid-table.

How did the standard compare to Scotland? Well, the game was slower…but that’s hardly a bad thing. Senec looked like the kind of stereotypically organised and physical side that you’d expect to find in the First Division. Michalovce? They try to play the right way and are very easy on the eye but could probably do with a bit more of a cutting edge. I could imagine them yo-yoing between SPL and 1st.

The experience? Angry man aside, the atmosphere in the ground lacked the passion of a Scottish match, but a lovely ground 10-15mins walk from the train station, 2.50Euro to get in, food & booze reasonably priced…what’s not to like?

Also, by being in Slovakia, my weekend’s football-watching involved this match…and not Rangers losing to Annan Athletic at Ibrox. A result.

Quick note, if you fancy keeping up to date with football in Slovakia, then I recommend you check out the English language blog Britski Belasi.

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About the Author

Twice runner-up in Scottish Comedian of the Year finals, Teddy was named ‘Best Up and Coming Comedian’ at the Scottish Variety Awards in 2010. He’s written for two BBC Radio 5 ‘Unsporting Reviews of the Year’, and has also worked as both writer and script editor on the BBC1 Scotland football shows ‘Offside’ & ‘Only An Excuse?’. He’s been a Rangers season-ticket holder for the past 17 years, but he’s all about the football not “all that other shite”. Also has a fondness for Dynamo Kyiv that can be traced back to an unhealthy obsession with Alexei Mikhailitchenko (or Oleksiy Mykhalychenko if you prefer to transliterate from the Ukrainian rather than the Russian. That’s the unhealthy obsession we’re talking about.)

“brilliant Scottish comic” Kate Copstick, Scotland on Sunday

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes above the rest…mighty stage presence and impressively high punchline ratio” Brian Donaldson, Scotsman

“freshly minted topical gags…pin-sharp lines…great routine…a class act” Steve Bennett, Chortle.co.uk

“has flourished…cracking lines” Jay Richardson, Scotsman

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