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For example, say a team has a corner on the side of the pitch without a referee’s assistant in attendance. (are you actually saying that out loud now, you buffoon?) What usually happens is,the corner-taker slyly places the ball marginally outside the quadrangle.
Why?
Because in his head, he’s a rebel…he’s sticking it to the man…he’s bending the rules to his advantage as most professional footballers are wont to do…pathetic.
“Place it in the quadrangle, you cheating c*nt!” is what I tend to exclaim loudly at the telly when I witness this somewhat pathetic spectacle. You can be certain that a generation of kids will be inspired to follow this example. Also on corners, watch out defenders!…It looks like the taker is using coded signals to communicate to his team what form of delivery this corner kick will be. He’s holding both arms straight up in the air…Hmm…I wonder what that means?
Ah I get it it…it means he’s kicking a “full” corner kick to the back post. The problem with this signal is that every team uses the same one, so it’s not the trickiest of codes to decypher. Alan Turing, who broke the Enigma Code in World War 2, would literally figure this one out in less than a nano second. So why bother? I’m always mystified by this. Use your imagination and develop your own secret signals, you dopes!
Penalty shoot-outs
I’m not a fan, but if we must have them, can we please have them properly adjudicated on? ie the keeper MUST stay on his line until the ball is struck! Ref’s assistants will always make a few marginal offside errors…that is totally understandable. However, there is no excuse for getting this one wrong. If the ball hasn’t been kicked yet and the keeper has rushed off his line, the kick should be retaken (if a goal has not been scored). Snipers should be employed during World Cups to enforce this rule.
Handball penalties.
Most handball penalties are wrongly given, in my opinion. They are supposed to be awarded when the ball is “deliberately handled”, not kicked against an opponent at speed. On this basis, if Lee Harvey Oswald had not been gunned down before his case came to trial, his defence team could have accused President Kennedy of deliberately headbutting Oswald’s bullets, and instructing the jury to find their client innocent on all counts. What Luis Suarez did in the 2010 World Cup quarter-final against Ghana was “deliberate handball”, the recent penalty given in the Hearts v Celtic Scottish Cup semi-final was not. Refs should watch the two incidents one after another, and see if they can spot the difference,
The toe-poke.
Football’s equivalent of “the shank” in golf. The aberration that is frowned upon by coaches, players and fans alike. Who could forget the uproar surrounding David Narey’s scintillating opening goal for Scotland against Brazil in the 1982 World Cup in Spain, when Jimmy Hill described it as “a toe-poke”. The consensus seems to be that describing a goal as a toepoke devalues it completely, and that there is no skill involved. What makes me mad is that, for example, Brazillian players often use the toepoke, and see it as a useful surprise weapon in their armoury. A toepoke can generate a lot of speed on a shot with very little backlift, and I can recall Ronaldo scoring several goals using this technique’ (to great acclaim, of course). However, you very rarely see anyone toepoke a ball in British football. I can only presume that the players are fearful of “getting stick” from their peers. How pathetic. Use your imagination, and don’t be so boringly orthodox, is what I’ve got to say on this matter.
The football press love Swansea don’t they?
“Playing football the right way” and all that bollocks. If I ever have to watch another Swansea game again, it will be way too soon. I find this uber-possession style hideously boring. Yes, it’s good to be able to retain the ball, but you must be also pragmatic enough to vary your style and avoid being predictable. If you were at a bullfight, it’s like watching a matador holding a tickling stick behind his cape. Mind you, I’d probably find that more entertaining than a real bullfight…but that’s not the point.
Keep your shirts on!
If I wanted to look at a flabby, out-of-condition, grinning idiot, I’d look in the f*cking mirror, OK????
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About the Author
Jim was traumatised as a child in Glasgow through growing up as a Rangers fan, in the era of the Celtic team of Jock Stein’s unprecedented dominance of Scottish football. It was a dark, desolate experience, but Jim is confident that such a prolonged period of pain and subservience at the hand of the Hoops is highly unlikely to ever happen again.
Jim’s first foray into the world of comedy was as the original drummer for Scottish punk icons “The Exploited”. With trademark comic timing, Jim left the band shortly before they appeared on “Top of the Pops”. It took Jim a long time before he felt he could top that joke, but he is now a regular stand-up on the Scottish comedy circuit.
Quotes
“…crowd favourite…original act…good, solid jokes…a highlight” The Stage
“The highlight of the show.” Edinburgh Evening News
“I was crying with laughter” Daily Record
“the most original act I have seen in ages!” HaHa Comedy
“endearing…likeably confident” Chortle
