Episode 5 of the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast is out now. Subscribe/download/listen HERE
“This building will explode at 14:00 on Wednesday!”
Men’s toilets have graffiti. Normally it’s homophobic, sexist or racist and sometime it’s all three at once. Its not normally a a bomb threat. I looked at it. I reread it, to make sure it really was a threat, and also to admire the handwriting. They might be crank bombers but they were crank bombers with lovely calligraphy skills.
I went to the safety officer and asked
“what should we do about the bomb threat?”
She thought for a second and replied
“Have you tried wiping it off. Two parts fairy liquid to one part bleach normally works.”
Now imagine if the real life police took such a laissez faire attitude to threats. The terrorists would phone up and threaten to blow a city sky high. Would they respond by saying “we should really change our telephone to ex-directory? It stops crank calls”
So what has this got to with football? By the time you read this two men will have been found innocent or guilty of sending parcel bombs to the Celtic manager Neil Lennon. What was not so well reported was that another suspicious package sent at the same time that brought a village to a standstill. The following story is true.
Brian Wilson
Celtic director
It arrived at an island tweed mill.
Now it wasn’t unusual to receive mail for Brian at this mill as he was also a director of the company. It was unusual for it to specifically say Celtic Director. Unless Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys worked there then you didn’t have to specify which exact Brian.
The police called in a bomb disposal robot that looked like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. If I was creating a bomb checking robot then I’d get inspired by one who’s catch phrase was a proclamation of success “Number Five is ALIVE!”
The robot checked the package and declared it safe. What was the cause of the scare? What had taken up valuable police time and brought a village to a standstill. It was a rolled up magazine. One which had been folded back over itself. It contained a post it note saying. “Brian. Check this page out. I think you will enjoy it!”
You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE
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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin
act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at http://www.twitter.com/iainmacivertodd
