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@iainmacivertodd
Two things in life you should never get involved in
1. A land war in Asia
2. A “domestic”
I once got involved in a “domestic” when trying to stop a street argument between a husband and wife. I’m pleased to say that due to my intervention they both stopped arguing with each other and found love….through shouting at me to mind my own business.
The Rangers saga is your classic domestic. It involves a warring couple – Charles “not a racist Green and Craig “more wiretaps than an episode of The Wire” Whyte, there’s a child involved that they both want custody of – Rangers FC, and it’s a story that bores anyone outside of the dispute! To a non-follower of Rangers like myself this distracts from the actual football side of the club. So on Sunday I went to view the only hooped team in Glasgow (Queens Park) taking on Rangers in a match I call the Sevcold firm derby.
A crowd of eleven-thousand made it along to Hampden. The match was an enjoyable but slightly one-sided game. Rangers never looked like losing but never really looked like championship winners either. Their team is a mix of players who normally wouldn’t be good enough for their youth squad and players who are too good for division 3 but who would rather be somewhere else. I think the mistake Rangers made in the summer was buying SPL players. They should have bought the best of the lower leagues. Players who have been there and done it at this level.
Queens Park played well but like most division 3 sides they lack a striker. In the first half they did everything well except having attempts on goal. In the second half they got a deserved goal but it would have been unjust to get more than that.
The highlight of the game was the half time run-off between four mascots. Clyde the Thistle (commonwealth games), a giant can of Irn Bru (Irn Bru), Broxi Bear (Rangers) and Harry the Hippo (Queens Park.) Clyde won which is what you would expect as he does look like an athlete. Harry was last. [Editor’s Note: Poetic licence seems to have overcome Iain…as Harry has been in touch to point out that he actually won the race! Apologies to the wronged Spider-Hippo!]
I was impressed with a small section of the rangers fans who from the start of the game until the end bounced up and down, sang and at one point seemed to strip naked! The sun had come out but it was still a n*b-shrinking 4c at best!
I thought the Rangers fans were mostly in the West stand until they scored. The man next to me jumped out of his seat screaming “YESSSSSSS!!!! GET INTO THIS SHOWER OF W~~NKERS!” a process he repeated four times as the goals rained in. If I sneaked into a rival section of the ground I would celebrate each of my sides goals quietly and as least noticeably as possible. Luckily for him Queens Park fans are unused to having such level of hatred leveled at them and decided to politely ignore him.
His reaction was your typical emotional fan outburst. Queens Park have a similar expletive-ridden shouter but he prefers logic to mindless insults. Some of his outbursts on Sunday include “McCULLOCH!!! YOU WERE ALWAYS OVERRATED AS A PLAYER AS YOUR FIRST TOUCH ISN’T AS GOOD AS IT SHOULD BE FOR AN SPL PLAYER! C**T!!” or the slightly more abusive “GET TO F**ING MANAGER SCHOOL FAT ALLY! YOUR INFLEXIBLE FORMATION AND LACK OF WING BACKS HAS CREATED A BORING AND ONE DIMENSIONAL FOOTBALLING SIDE! C**T” He manages to growl these out without taking a breath. Such level of vocal control is usually only seen in opera stars.
Charles Green described the side as “the worst ever Rangers team.” I wouldn’t have said they were that bad. They aren’t even the worst team to play at Hampden this year. That honour goes to the Scotland national team.
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About the Author
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
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