Episode 5 of the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast is out now. Subscribe/download/listen HERE
Episode 5 of the Podcast asked whether any Scottish island had produced a professional football player. I grew up in the Western Isles and the only player I’m aware of is shamed ex-Sky Sports pundit Andy Gray. His Mum lives near my Gran and according to his wikipedia entry “he plans to return to live in Back, Outer Hebrides on the Isle of Lewis in the near future.” The Western Isles is home to the “wee” Free church. The wee’s attitude to women make the Taliban’s look like feminists. Andy “Just tuck it in, luv” should fit right in.
The island has two football leagues. One is for the areas in the community (Back, Lochs and Ness). The other is a welfare league for works teams (mostly pubs). The island has a lot of pubs which explains why we have the highest level of alcoholism in the UK. We also have the highest level of teetotallers so if we aren’t drinking then we are hung-over and vowing never to drink again.
Up until a couple of years ago the island was completely closed on a Sunday. No shops/pubs/restaurants were open, no transport was available and no one hung out their washing. People on the mainland can find this surprising especially if they came across on the ferry on a Saturday and then found themselves trapped until Monday.
In my household TV was banned on a Sunday which was great as it meant we had one day a week off from the constant barrage of reality shows such as “don’t tell my bride its a gypsy wedding: uncovered (extreme edition)”. It’s not so great when all the best football happened on a Sunday. God only rested on the 7th day as he knew the World Cup final was on.
Luckily my mum would go to church the same time as Scotsport so whilst she was away I would sneak on the TV and get my fix of Archie MacPherson. The only issue with this was the TV was one of those old CRT televisions that heated up the longer they were on. When my Mum came home she would feel the back of the television and if it was warm I’d be sent to bed without any supper for breaching the Lord’s day. I had a cunning plan and after my fix of Archie would get a packet of peas from the freezer and place it on the back of the TV to cool it down. It was a fine line between cooling it down enough to fool my Mum and not warming up the peas enough to cause unfrozen water to short circuit the TV.
The island has produced many great players but unfortunately the lack of Sunday travel meant there wasn’t any scouts willing to stay all weekend to see them. That’s my excuse for not being discovered and I’m sticking to it. In recent years the island’s soccer scene has been infamous for one incident were two teams recreated the famed Scotland v Estonia debacle when only one Scotland turned up.
It was near the end of the season and Back where due to play league leaders Lochs. Back needed a win to give them a chance of catching up but unfortunately their star player was unable to play due to a prior mainland commitment. Back tried to postpone the fixture. They claimed that the sports hall next to the centre was going to be busy with women setting a tea party for the local Free Church minister. A football crowd and a church crowd should not mix. Lochs offered to play the game elsewhere. Back refused as they believed they had done everything correctly to get a postponement. The league ordered the game to go ahead. Lochs turned up for the game. Back did not. Loch was forced to start the game so that it could be abandoned. See the video here.
Here is the car park just before kickoff that Back claimed would be full of Church goers:
Only in Scotland could a church ministers tea party cause a football scandal.
You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE
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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin
act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
