Iain Maciver Todd sends a post card from Manchester

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If you’re concerned by the threat of nuclear Armageddon then I’d recommend a move to Manchester. It’s the UK’s first nuclear free city. I imagine that annoyed the Russians.

Comrade 1: Prepare the nuclear bomb. We will destroy the Arndale centre and its decadent western consumerism.
Comrade 2: Woaaaahski! Wait a secondski. Didn’t you hearski? Manchester is nuclear freeski.
Comrade 1: What! Oh darnski! Can we not just blow them sky-high so that the citizens spend their dying days in a nuclear winter?
Comrade 2: Sorry but they have a plaque.

Manchester is home to the National Football Museum. This was housed in Preston until 2010 and led Bobby Charlton to say “I can’t think of a better museum anywhere in the world.” Football museums like football players though can’t resist the lure of cash so  moved to Manchester as the local council offered more money to the trustees than Preston could.

I’d love to tell you about the amazing  section dedicated to world football containing the first World Cup Final ball, the ball from the 1966 final or more importantly to Scottish fans  Maradona’s “Hand of God” shirt. Unfortunately it was closed by the time I got there. So instead I can tell you that “Sweet Mandarin” http://www.sweetmandarin.com/ is the best Chinese restaurant in Manchester and very convenient for the museum.

If you do visit Manchester then I’d recommend a visit to Old Trafford (“The Theatre of Dreams.”) If your dream is a huge shop designed to milk as much money from the support as possible. The interesting part is just how cheap the facilities are. The players lounge wouldn’t look out of place in a 1970s hotel. No wonder Cristiano Ronaldo left. A fashionable trend setter like himself would have been offended by the shag pile rug, the fake wooden panelled walls and the lava lamps.

The dressing rooms were quite swish. The players all sit around a central blackboard where Alex Ferguson can dispense last-minute tactical advice. Due to its central position and closeness to players he can also easily give any of them the hairdryer treatment.

The highlight of the trip was running out onto the pitch.  To heighten the atmosphere they pipe crowd noises and the champions league theme tune through the speaker system. It really does feel like you are there on a big European night until you make it to the pitch and find its missing grass as it gets dug up for the summer.

There was one other moment when I did feel just like a Premiership footballer. That footballer was Michael Owen. This is my impression of him:

Sir Alex if you ever want a man to sit on the bench then I’m here! I wont even ask for 20k a week.

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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.

Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.

He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd

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