Iain Maciver Todd Says Yes to Newco Rangers

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Imagine that I own a comedy club. It’s a small venue so I can’t compete with the big clubs but I’m proud of the shows and comedian that I book to perform. One day a man called Eddie Rock comes to the club and performs a set. It goes down a storm. Everyone in the audience tells their friends about it. The next time he plays I get a bigger audience than usual. He starts to attract a following. I  realise that whenever he plays I double my audience so I budget to buy more beer, put in more seats and put up the ticket prices. What could possibly go wrong?

A couple of years down the line I’m relaxing in Todd mansions playing Giant Kerplunk when I get a phone call. The man I bet the club on, the man who sells out every week, the man who keeps me in Giant Kerplunk toys has a confession. None of the jokes he performs are his own, he has been ripping off Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock DVD’s. I thought his name was familiar! He thought he would get away with it as UK comedy fans have an aversion to a) Americans and b) Americans who talk really fast about ghettos and big bootys.

He says “Don’t worry Mr Todd as its going to be OK. I’ve changed my name to Billy Bridges and I can still play every week.  I have a huge audience who will always follow me. I also know how much you love Giant Kerplunk and how expensive that habit has become so could you give that up just to keep your clubs integrity?”

I think about it for a second and reply:

“Welcome Billy Bridges, can you do a tight 15 on friday and compere saturday?”

I’m sure you have all seen through my tortured analogy so I’m going to get straight to the point. I believe the SPL should have let Rangers NEWCO into the SPL. The clue is in the name. Its a New Company. It is not Rangers FC

Historical Note: The official founding of Rangers was in 1873. The first season’s fixtures were all friendlies, as the deadline for joining the SFA had been missed. Its ironic that the failure to fill in paperwork correctly would also be the clubs undoing. 

The current clubs want to blame this new company for the sins of the past but the club has been punished. It no longer exists. Talk about kicking a man whilst he is down. They are still kicking  after he has gone down, died, had the funeral and been sent to hell.

Charles Green should have come out and clearly stated that this was a new company and wished to have nothing to do with the past. That would have put the pressure onto the SPL and off himself. Unfortunately he has proven to be the worst spokesman for a cause since Comical Ali. Ali used to appear before the World’s media during Gulf War 2 to declare that Iraq was winning, that Saddam was fighting the infidels single handily and that he (Ali) had just shagged all of The Saturdays whilst still managing to comple the times crossword. In fact some his his statements now seem more rational than Green’s.

Historical Note: Gulf War 2 wasn’t as good as Gulf War 1. It was full of cliches. It even had a token British Baddy. 

Charles should have waited for the SPL to vote the new company in and then he could have said “oh, by the way, I’m thinking I might change my name from Sevco FC to Glasgow Rangers FC. Oh, by the way, although I renounced the history all the fans think we won the league a record number of times so I might as well put that in my clubs history. Oh, by the way, I think we should keep the name the Old Firm. Everyone recognises it and wouldn’t it be a shame to make everyone learn a new name.”

So lets welcome Sevco FC into the SPL. What could possibly go wrong?

Future Note: It turned out, after a couple of years, that Billy Bridges was ripping off two other Scottish comedians (Billy Connolly and Kevin Bridges) and I had to chuck him out of the club. It seems unless you learn from the past then you are doomed to repeat it. 

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About the Author
Iain “Toddinho” Todd mistakenly believes he could have been a professional footballer if only the ‘The Claude Makelele role’ had been invented in the 1980’s. Unfortunately his ability to be neither a defender or a midfielder meant he could often be found on the bench. His greatest achievement was a match winning hat trick which the local paper reported as been scored by his twin brother and his brother wasn’t even playing that day. He recently celebrated 25 years of playing 5 aside footy and has nothing to show for it other than a dodgy hip.

Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.

He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd

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