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@iainmacivertodd
Are you struggling to think of a Xmas present for a loved one? If socks are too boring and chocolates don’t scream festive love then you should consider purchasing a DNA test!
A DNA test is a staple of TV talk shows such as Jeremy Kyle and Rikki Lake. Its used to find out whether that child from another mother to your current lover is actually a kid from a woman you did.
I used to watch Rikki but only for the title sequence. These are actual titles: “Today I Tell My Cousin and My Sister… ‘Back Off, Girl! Stop Sleeping with My Mister’!”, “You Proposed to Me on Ricki, but There’s Still No Date…What’s Up with That, We’re Getting Irate” and my favorite “The DNA Test Proved This Is Your Kid…Since You Haven’t Paid, It’s Time Your Family Did”.
DNA tests don’t just prove that the CSA is owed money. They can also trace your ancestors. For £170 a Scottish firm will find out whether you are a family of Blackadders or Baldricks (masters or servants). The professor who runs the project used it to trace his own ancestors and discovered that he was related to royalty. Of course he found that! If I was a DNA expert selling a DNA test then I too would make sure the result was good! If I was selling a test I’d say “for £170 I’ll prove your DNA is related to royalty but for £300 I’ll prove you are a descendant of of Braveheart – the Mel Gibson version.”
The professor does state one good thing on his website “…Of all the people in the world, the most fascinating are Twins!”. I’d also add that they tend to be the most intelligent, good-looking and experts in the bedroom. [Note: I am not biased by myself being a twin. Honest]
Eight different types of twins exist: identical, fraternal, half-identical, mirror image twins, mixed chromosome twins, superfecundation, superfetation and Jedward. Jedward combine the first letter of one name and the rest of the other. They will therefore be able to understand why I refer to them as funts.
Scientists believe that the number of twin conceptions greatly outnumbers the number of twin births. Very often one of the fertilized eggs will be reabsorbed into the mother’s womb. A phenomenon called “vanishing twin syndrome.” In our situation my brother was nearly “vanished” as he was born choking and struggling to breathe as he had the umbilical cord wrapped round his neck. He claims that I must have done this to him and therefore it’s the first instance of attempted murder in the womb! All I can say is that anyone trapped for nine months in a confined space with him would have done exactly the same as his chat is dire!
The incidence of twin types and genders are oddly symmetrical. One third of all twins born are identical, one third are same sex fraternal and one third are male/female fraternal. Of the identical twins, half are male/male and half are female/female. Of the same sex fraternal, half are male/male and half are female/female. To keep up this ratio when one set of twin dies another is born which is why we were born the exact moment Elvis Presley died (When he died did they have to inform the next of king?) Elvis had a twin brother called Jesse who died in childbirth. If they were alive today then they would be know as the the american JEdward…JElvis.
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About the Author
Iain Todd graduated from Charlie Ross’s comedy class and has subsequently shown why Charlie should fail some students. He does open spots as one half of “The Brothers Todd” – the third best comedy twin act in the world! Only three comedy twin acts are in the world so they are also the world’s worst. They make Jedward look talented.
He stalks celebrities at @iainmacivertodd
