Goal-line “Technology” and why it’s not for football according to Ross Leslie

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The elephant in the FIFA room of goal-line technology reared its ugly head again at the weekend following the Bolton – QPR match, where Clint Hill’s header was not confirmed as a goal.

It’s a very controversial subject with football fans, players, officials etc, and causes normally sane people to lose themselves in the moment.

Firstly, I would like to deal with the word technology used in this context.  What the pro-technology movement are looking for is a camera on the goal-line to determine whether or not the ball crosses the line.  A camera.  Our ancestors took the first photograph in 1826, it’s hardly technology folks.

Secondly, it will take some of the excitement out of the game.  It works well in rugby, cricket and tennis very well but these are sports that don’t have the passion of football.  Don’t get me wrong I enjoy rugby and, like everybody else on these isles, enjoy tennis for a couple of weeks in July, but football is a different beast altogether.

What would players and coaches complain about to referees during the game, and afterwards supporters with their mates in the boozer when they are using their broken pay packet spending money that should have gotten wee Rab his new shoes for school?  “Can you believe how good that camera was at spotting that goal, superb eh?”

And where would it stop?  Would the technologically advanced cameras start to call decisions on offsides and penalty decisions, it would get to the point that a human referee and assistants wouldn’t be required on the pitch, and at least 4 humans per game would be put out of a job.  It’s a bit like the self-service units at your local supermarket where you walk past a human being who is perfectly capable of serving you, to scan the bar codes yourself as you are terrified they might ask you how you are, or your thoughts on the weather.

The game would become so sanitised you would be as well as going all WWE on it and deciding the outcome beforehand, and it becoming a massive charade on the field.  Stewart Regan could be your Vince McMahon calling the outcome and then the teams would put on a bit of an exhibition of skill and technique knowing that they don’t have to bust a gut, and hoof it unnecessarily.  It would also save on injuries and you may get a different outcome with outsiders winning unexpectedly, if it made sense “storyline-wise”.

This way would also improve the product on the field, and Daniel Majstorovic might just flourish too.

And finally, you just know Sepp Blatter will have a nephew who works in Jessop’s so the contract will go to them and continue the spiral of corruption in our game at the top.

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About the Author
At 31 years old, Ross Leslie, is a relative latecomer to the comedy scene and with his general appearance you would be forgiven for thinking he is an even later-comer, which is a phrase that should hopefully not catch on as it sounds a little uncouth.

As well as starting out in the stand-up comedy world, Ross writes articles and blogs for various other websites and has other TV and radio projects in the pipeline that will probably never see the light of day, however at least it has cured his Football Manager addiction.

A lifelong Rangers fan, Ross’s first game was at Tynecastle in 1986 to watch Hearts hump us 3-1, when they used to be a football team and not the tabloid-fodder they have become. His favourite human being (apart from any family or friends reading this) are Alistair (Ally to everyone apart from Walter Smith for some reason) McCoist, with (King) Kenny Miller a close second.

Best memory from supporting Rangers was when leaving Ibrox after Rangers had annihilated Sturm Graz 5-0 telling his impressionable younger brother that he would take him to the Champions League Final they would definitely be making this year.

Please visit Ross on his Tumblr blog and Twitter page for more disappointment and resentment.

Follow Ross on Twitter: @misterross
Read Ross’ blog: http://mum-blings.tumblr.com/

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