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Three weeks later…
…Maurice took off again. He travelled across Europe and the Middle East in a tiny Tiger Moth plane he christened ‘Ever Wrest’. Despite the efforts of the British Government he made it to Nepal, who immediately hailed our intrepid hero, wished him all the best, and, while his back was turned, confiscated his plane to stop him crashing into their holy mountain.
But Maurice could not be stopped. Despite border guards barring his way, and only a rudimentary knowledge of Welsh as the universal language of the Mountains (of North Wales), he and two Sherpas sneaked into Nepal disguised as Buddhist monks.
According to his diary, Maurice, reached Everest one month later. Also, according to his diary, he would have got there faster, but he kept getting lost on the way.
History does not record whether Maurice had ever learnt to use a compass.
Everest conquered?
On May 15 1934, Maurice arrived at Everest. It was, as he suspected, remarkably like Snowdon. Except 10 times bigger, 10 times colder, and without a steam train that takes pensioners and the lazy all the way to the top. It was therefore time for Plan B. Maurice would climb Mt Everest singlehandedly!
This was not a success.
With no experience of climbing, no equipment, no clue what he was letting himself into, Maurice lasted five days before he had to turn back to base camp. In his diary Maurice wrote:
“It’s the weather that’s beaten me – what damned bad luck!”
But that didn’t stop Maurice. He tried a second time, and this time he made his way through faith, prayer and fasting almost all the way to the top until he was stopped by an ice wall that he couldn’t climb because, despite all his preparation, he had never learnt to climb or use a rope. Who knew on Everest there would not be a path?!
And there he died. In a lonely tent at the foot of the wall, overcome by the cold, having failed to conquer Everest.
Or that’s what most folk think…
Everest conquered!
Here’s the thing…
Many years later, a Chinese expedition reported finding, just below the summit of Everest, a single high-heeled women’s shoe. No-one could explain it. Chris Bonnington’s not known for his fondness for a patent leather pump, unless that pump inflated a belay bed at 30,000 feet.
Maurice Wilson on the other hand (or other foot) was different. Some nights former shoe salesman Maurice liked to be known as Maureen.
And Maureen liked ladies shoes. And in his/her bag, in his/her tent at the base of the wall, Maureen nee Maurice had packed a floral dress.
Summit’s up
So, how did the shoe get to the top of Everest?
Could Maurice have stood in the top of the world in his high heels and floral dress? Did he use his stilettos as make-shift ice axes to climb the Hillary step? Could he have reached the summit twenty years before any other man and have died on the way back down, and not on the way up, as many believe?
I’d like to think so.
One day, when temperatures rise and the top melts, we’ll find that shoe’s twin. A single high heel planted on the summit confirming that the first man on Everest with a woman’s name was not Hillary but Maureen.
So take heart Celtic, as you face the mighty Juventus and try to conquer your own mountain of a three-goal deficit. It can be done. If you believe. If you have faith. And if the entire first team wear women’s suspenders.
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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).
Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.
Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy
Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com
