Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie…presents Arsenal Royalty

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She doesn’t strike you as a Gooner. Her Majesty. Queen Elizabeth the Second. But when ‘Gooner’ is derived from ‘Gunner’ and was bestowed on Arsenal’s original fans because they worked at a weapons factory in Woolwich it all makes sense. Because who used to have the biggest cannons in the world? Take a guess. (And it’s not Katie Price). Nor is it the Pope, he has canons. Instead, yes, you guessed right, it’s Queen Elizabeth The Second, commander-in-chief of the armed forces and ruler of the British Empire. God Bless ER!

It’s perhaps no surprise then that Her Maj is attracted to a team that used to be a major force in the world but whose fortunes faded a good few years ago. A team that was the first to be broadcast on radio; the first to be broadcast on television; and the first to be blocked by everyone in the world when Piers Morgan banged on about them every minute of every hour of every day on Twitter. And a team who are currently managed by a man who has forgotten what winning means and thinks a first is what you get if you eat too much salt. Let’s just say, if Arsenal was the monarch, we’d politely tell her that ‘you’re looking well, you’re majesty’, and we’ll not ask how many countries she’s conquered lately.

But, if you ask the average Gooner to name their famous fans, the Queen would not be the first they name. They have a more (in)famous leader among their terrace. A man who brought more terror to the world than a galleon of British boats laden with Earl Grey tea, Rich Tea biscuits and a cargo full of bloody bayonets to stick it right up Johnny Foreigners foreign parts. Arsenal, you see, were supported by terrorist mastermind; Al-Qaeda leader and professional recluse, Osama Bin Laden.

As the Gooner chant goes: “Osama, woah-woah, Osama, woah-waoh, he’s hiding in Kabul, he loves the Arsenul”.

Which Jukebox Durie must point out isn’t accurate – he was hiding in Abbottabad, which is not even in the same country as the Afghan capital.

But if the Queen is feeling peeved at not being number one, she probably doesn’t mind. Even she will admit there’s only room for two royal figures at Arsenal and neither of them have the surname Windsor.

There are two Kings at Arsenal. For the last five years the team have entered the Emirates to Elvis Presley’s ‘The Wonder of You’ which as far as I can tell has no connection with Arsenal at all and the second is the King of Kings. Arsenal’s greatest player. Thierry Henry. King Henry. Even the Head of the British Empire bows down to this King. All hail King Henry first of his name.

Thierry Henry Song:

Thierry Henry Rap:

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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).

Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy

Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com

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