Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya pals.
My old mum’s a great woman. She volunteers at charity shops, she bakes for the local church and she’s a proud member of the ‘blue rinse brigade’, which isn’t a description for old people, it’s actually her supporters club. Little clue to who I am there – you’ll never guess!
Unfortunately, I recently lost her. She went missing in the Tesco at Silverburn. Have you seen the size of that place? Luckily, I found her later that day in another supermarket. Old folk are like pigeons. You always find them in a coop… sorry, I meant a co-op…
Anyways, pals, this week’s column is dedicated to her. Secret Assistant Mum – yer son’s a league champion!
Yes, pals, we did it. Despite all the obstacles put in front of us – superior training facilities, overspending, having thousands of fans. We overcame them all to win the league. The first person on the phone to congratulate me was the Chairman.
“What’s this I hear about us winning the league?” He said.
“Yes – we did it,” I said, “we’ve written our name in history. A long, long history that goes back many, many years, no matter what anyone else says.”
He didn’t sound pleased “I told you to get promoted! I didn’t tell you to win the league! Now, I’ll have to pay a bonus!”
That’s the Chairman in a nutshell. He always thinks of others before himself. He knows how much our main rivals struggle in knock-out games and how they’ve lost more cups than a clumsy kitchen porter. The Chairman must have wanted them to win the league so they would go straight up so they wouldn’t have to worry about it. He’s so kind!
Next on the blower was “UNRECOGNISED NUMBER”. Who could this be?
I answered it and, quite frankly pals, I nearly went deaf. What a racket. All I could hear was party poppers, fireworks and some male voices that seemed to be shouting “Lets all do the bouncy. Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy!”
I hung up the phone. I couldn’t be bothered speaking with the SFA.
Before my phone could ring again the Captain came to see me. He was well happy. I hadn’t seen him this happy since I let him stay up late to watch Hollyoaks After Hours – the red hot edition. “Shagger – You must be pleased to be back in the top flight?”
He looked confused “Top flight? Shagger doesnae get tha bus?”
“No, Shagger – I mean you must be happy to be in a higher division.”
He looked even more confused “Higher division? Numbers make Shagger’s head hurt.”
My God, give me strength. Trying to explain things to the Captain is like trying to use a penguin for open heart surgery. Frankly, a waste of time, effort, and ultimately, a complete waste of biscuits. “Shagger!” I said, throwing him a Custard Cream to see if a snack would make him pay attention. “If it’s not the promotion that makes you happy then what is it?”
“I got a tattoo!”
Oh dear. I was hoping he hadn’t seen the article in the paper last week from one of our fans – an ink artist – who’d offered a free tattoo for anyone who’d get him tickets to our Scottish Cup Semi Final against our arch rivals. The Captain must have given him his ticket.
“Let me guess,” I said, “Does it say ‘I love my mum’?”
“Naw,” Shagger giggled, “it says ‘I luv yer maw’.”
“No, it doesn’t” I said. “What does it actually say?”
“Hee! Hee! Yer right, that’s naw it, when it’s fully erect it also says ‘coz she’s well fit’!”
Oh dear – I guess this is not the only column dedicated to my mum!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant CHAMPION
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
