Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
Another week, another victory! We’ve finally won the trophy that’s eluded all the big name sides – the Petrol Head Training Cup. Real Madrid haven’t won it, AC Milan haven’t won it and Manchester United (when they were good) haven’t won it.
When I picked up the cup, I looked at the list of previous winners written on its base and noticed Airdrieonians and Airdrie United. I didn’t realise Airdrie had two sides. I asked the Boss about it and he said it wasn’t two sides but one! Due to liquidation one was just a new version of the old team! That’s just nonsense, isn’t it, pals? If they’d only spoken to SFA like we did then, after paying a small admin fee, it was all sorted!
The Chairman was the first person to phone me with congratulations: “What do you mean, you’ve won another trophy?” He said, “I thought this was a training cup!”
He’s so silly. It’s not a training cup, that was just the name of the sponsors. Of course it’s a real cup, if it wasn’t, why would it be on such a prestigious TV channel as BBC Alba, which I think is Gaelic for BBC Sky Sports 1.
Anyways, to make sure we won it, I used a bit of the old psychology. I knew our big rivals, They Who Shall Not Be Named, have never won it either. In fact in the last four years they haven’t qualified for it once. That shows you just how hard a trophy it is to win.
But, you can’t be too careful, and to make sure they didn’t win it this year, I dialled (little clue there) their manager up. He always wants to know what I’m up to. Every day he asks for updates on our team. Sometime he even comes round and watches us from the hill by the training ground using his binoculars. He thinks he gets away with it but I can smell him a mile off. He puts on too much Calvin Klein aftershave. His favourite brand is Obsession.
This year, to make sure he didn’t enter it all, I told him that this the cup was actually called the European Petrol Head Training cup! At that point he got very scared and he said that much like Boris Johnson he believes it’s better to be out of Europe than in it. And he was so scared that by the time the cup draw was made he hadn’t even entered his side, which was a good thing as he’d only get knocked out – I watched his side last week and his defence is leakier than an Eastern European Border (ooh, little bit of politics there, pals!).
Here’s a wee secret for you, pals: to prepare the lads for the Petrol Head Training cup final I made the lads watch lots of old episodes of Top Gear. “It’s perfect training,” I said, “Top Gear is just like The Greatest Team In History. We’re both British, we’re both got millions of fans around the world and we sometimes accused of saying things we shouldn’t even though we’re only saying what everyone else is thinking. It’s political correctness gone mad, so it is.”
By the way, pals, did you see that James May-offa-Top-Gear on the telly the other night? It was just him in a shed with lots of nuts and bolts as he reassembled a lawn mower from scratch. It was brilliant. By the end I was shouting “More!” because it made me think it was just like me and the Boss. Someone left us the nuts and bolts of The Greatest Team in History then we put it back together so it could do the business on grass and mow down the opposition.
Anywho, I was glad I watched it because I was thinking of James May when we played the cup final on Sunday. Did you see the state of the pitch? It had more lumps and bumps than a TV producer who’s told Jeremy Clarkson they’ve run out of sarnies. With the pitch in such a bad state, the Greatest Team In History was like a frustrated puppy – it had no grass to do its business on! Even so we won 4 – 0! Take that Real Madrid!
Onwards and upwards!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
