Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but he continues to tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
Happy Easter, pals – I hope you all got a nice Easter egg! I got the lads one each but the greedy munchers scoffed them all at half time. That explains the ‘greatest team in history’s’ lethargic second half performance. The Chairman was raging when he found out I’d bought the eggs. He pointed out, if I’d waited until Tuesday, I could have bought them half price. Tuesday isn’t Easter so why would I want an egg then? Silly Chairman!
I bet the Chairman was unhappy because the Captain had nicked his supply of crème eggs. Shagger said he needed them for a world record attempt. I thought it was how many he could eat in a minute but then I found the Daily Star on his bench. It had the headline “Easter world record – I stuck 9 crème eggs up my bum!” Oh dear pals, I don’t want to know what he’s got planned, I’m just glad though that crème eggs have got smaller!
Anyways, despite loads of injuries to the Scotland squad last week our star player Braveheart was still snubbed! It’s an outrage. The ginger dwarf in charge of the national team said he wasn’t going to pick Braveheart because “I knows what he’s capable of”. Now, pals. this is a silly arguments. The SFA must know what the ginger dwarf is capable of so why do the they let him manage this match too? Let me have a go at managing the Scotland team instead. I phoned and asked but the SFA said no. They said I should call back after they’ve played a couple of qualifiers. This time next year I could be Secret Scotland Manager. I’ll then pick all my pals (just like the ginger dwarf)!
Anywhos, I digress. After our egg-fueled poor performance the Boss got the lads together to tell them a story. The story of Easter….
“Lads,” he said “Jesus performed loads of miracles. In fact he performed so many that people would say he was simply the best. Then, one day, tragedy – he was stabbed in the back after he upset some tax collectors!
“He turned for help to his eleven other friends but they all stabbed him in the back too and they cast him down. Some of them would prefer he didn’t go down but they got bullied by the others. Then they crucify him! As if he hadn’t suffered enough! They should have let him off because he was dead popular and had loads of fans.
“Now, everyone thinks he’s dead. But, and this is the brilliant bit, he’s not dead at all. Despite all scientific, medical and legal evidence confirming he was as dead as Jordan Rhodes’ Scotland career – he comes back to life! And while there’s a bit of confusion while some people says he’s not him, and others say it is him, in the end everyone knew it was him along! Isn’t that brilliant? Luvvly jubbly!”
“And, not only that, when he came back to life they called him the same name and he got to keep all his miracles and achievement from before he was dead! All the fans know he’s the same man so support him just as before.
“And now everyone loves him and all those people who said he wasn’t the same man are looking like big fat fools. It truly is the greatest story ever told! Cushty!”
What a great story! It truly is the ‘greatest’ story every told!
Sadly, just as the Boss was finishing, the ambulance arrived. The Captain had turned a funny shade of brown, white and yellow. The last thing I heard him say before he was carted away was: “now, I know wha’ it feels like to get 10 in a row!”
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
