Teddy’s View: Anelka’s the new Riordan, Becks isn’t boss, and does anybody want to buy Accrington Stanley?

It was a bad weekend for Newcastle who lost three goals to Chelsea as well as Steven Taylor and Fabricio Coloccini to injury. It was a far better weekend for the kid who controls David Luiz via his Playstation though (joke copyright Gary Neville) as he managed to key in a cheat code in time to have a definite red card downgraded to only a yellow. The week got even better for Andres Villas Boas as Chelsea swept Valencia aside to set up the fixture he really wanted… him versus the press.

There are believed to be six people on the shortlist for the Northern Ireland manager’s job. It’s a relief to be living in a time when people would be pleased to find out their name was on a list in Northern Ireland. In the running are thought to be Shamrock Rovers boss Michael O’Neill, as well as Jim Magilton – his assistant at the club. O’Neill will no doubt wish Magilton all the best with his application, before denying his request for time off to attend the interview. Less excitingly for Norn Iron fans, Iain Dowie is also on the shortlist. Dowie’s has been a management career hampered by the inability of players to look him in the eye, or indeed to look at any part of his face. On the plus side, Avram Grant’s interest in the job looks to have been rebuffed. A man so committed to computer-gaming that he embarked on his last two Premier League jobs determined to end them as a Championship Manager.

In a move akin to appointing Avram Grant as manager, Preston have appointed Peter Ridsdale as chairman. Bad news for Lilywhites fans, unless they happen to own an aquarium and get the contract to supply the goldfish for his office. Ridsdale leapt at the chance to indulge a penchant for pseudo-corporate b*ll*cks with an opening quote of “Whatever issues we face here, I see them as opportunities.” The main issue will be the inevitable battle of egos with the club’s manager, Phil Brown. The opportunity to arise from that could be a series of challenges they set each other to decide who gets to do the next interview. I’m looking forward to an on-pitch karaoke-off at Deepdale.

Ridsdale must have been relieved to be appointed in a week where another Football League club’s board made an even stranger decision. Accrington Stanley directors headed down to London for the day to hand out 2000 flyers advertising the club’s share issue. Not sure how Stanley fans will react to the club being bought by a consortium of confused Japanese tourists.

Blackburn’s owners, the Venky Group, continue to cement their role as the Premier League’s most eccentric owners. Their latest plan is to introduce 20 Blackburn Rovers leagues across India at youth-level, each consisting of twenty teams…all playing in Blackburn strips. If people wanted to watch Blackburn v Blackburn they’d attach a camera to Steve Kean and watch what happens every time he meets one of the club’s fans.

Nicolas Anelka is in talks with Shanghai Shenhua about a move in January, clearly not having received the memo about the success rate of sulky strikers moving from the UK to China (right).

David Beckham has ruled out a move into football management, admitting that he didn’t enjoy his time assisting Fabio Capello during World Cup 2012. Where he may be going wrong is in basing his view of management on what Don Fabio trusted him to do in South Africa. Becks probably now believes that management involves polishing Capello’s shoes, giving all the interviews to the ‘lifestyle’ magazines, and being John Terry’s official interpreter from English into diplomacy.

Sone Aluko provided what Rangers have been missing since the loss of Steven Naismith to injury by getting into the box, going down easily and then turning to the ref. He still needs to perfect the snarl, but other than that his impression is coming along pretty well. Sadly, the SFA decided to keep up the comparison by announcing that the incident would be reviewed using video evidence, something that cost Naismith a two-match ban for violent conduct earlier in the season. Aluko maintained his innocence and was adamant both that he’d been fouled and that it’s hard to maintain your balance when moving at speed. The SFA threw out his appeal, presumably on the grounds that if the latter part were true, every 100metres final in athletics history would have ended up in a bloody mess of grazed knees.

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About the Author

Twice runner-up in Scottish Comedian of the Year finals, Teddy was named ‘Best Up and Coming Comedian’ at the Scottish Variety Awards in 2010. He’s written for two BBC Radio 5 ‘Unsporting Reviews of the Year’, and has also worked as both writer and script editor on the BBC1 Scotland football shows ‘Offside’ & ‘Only An Excuse?’. He’s been a Rangers season-ticket holder for the past 17 years, but he’s all about the football not “all that other shite”. Also has a fondness for Dynamo Kyiv that can be traced back to an unhealthy obsession with Alexei Mikhailitchenko (or Oleksiy Mykhalychenko if you prefer to transliterate from the Ukrainian rather than the Russian. That’s the unhealthy obsession we’re talking about.)

“brilliant Scottish comic” Kate Copstick, Scotland on Sunday

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes above the rest…mighty stage presence and impressively high punchline ratio” Brian Donaldson, Scotsman

“freshly minted topical gags…pin-sharp lines…great routine…a class act” Steve Bennett, Chortle.co.uk

“has flourished…cracking lines” Jay Richardson, Scotsman

“there are few of his Scottish-based contemporaries that can spin the same high standard of punchlines” Brian Donaldson, Scotland on Sunday

You can follow Teddy on Twitter: @ComedyTeddy

Check out Teddy’s website: http://comedyteddy.com/

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