I saw their debut…Craig Hazell on the Jambo striker who cost him his job!

Whilst my fellow fans have written about the debuts of such household names as Louis Saha and David Beckham, I have gone a little less highbrow with the remarkable home debut of a certain Mark De Vries. A man who lost me my job. Really.

Unlike the previously discussed Burke and Beckham (a potential title for a future STV detective show), De Vries was 8 years into his professional career and theoretically in ‘his prime’ for a striker at 27. Craig Levein picked up De Vries from Dordrecht ’90, a lower league outfit in Holland, and as any fan hearing a foreign sounding name, I was excited. Obviously there were far more examples of hard to pronounce disasters than there were success stories in professional football but I was ever the optimist. Then I saw him.

Mark was generously accredited in his OPTA stats as weighing 12st 1lb. I can only assume this is like describing yourself as ‘athletic’ build on match.com and justifying it because they don’t differentiate between sprinters and shot putters. As he took to the field on August 11th, 2002, in a home game against Hibs, there was an air of excitement. Jean-Louis Valois also started, keeping with our new tradition of signing only players with three words in their name, and more importantly, Gordan Petric had left. The season ticket holders around me instantly started making fat jokes as De Vries warmed up (Phil Stamp hadn’t signed yet) and a sweepstake was even on the go for which minute he would pull up with cramp. And whilst we expected him to cause the Hibs defence some problems in the air, we couldn’t have anticipated how many entertaining moments he would provide with his feet.

After playing a crucial role in Andy Kirk’s opener, De Vries opened his Hearts account with 5 minutes to go until half time. An exquisite chipped through ball by the enigmatic Valois was met by the 44 inch chest of De Vries and buried into the roof of the net on his right foot. I instantly realised two things. One, this guy could play a bit and two, chipped through balls might not be solely effective on Pro Evolution Soccer (L1, Triangle). MDV went on to terrorise Hibs for the rest of the game, adding a second on 66 minutes after a Valois rebound fell to him 12 yards out he calmly slotted home with the finesse of a club legend, wheeling away like he had been doing it for years.

He was a big black John Robertson, wasn’t he? Well the fans either side of me certainly didn’t agree as the chant never really took off. He then went on to do what even Robbo couldn’t as he knocked in a third and a fourth in stoppage time with his left foot and and a header, completing the perfect hat trick, with a cheeky extra to show off. Unfortunately the Sky Sports presenters had already given the Man of the Match award to Valois, who must have felt pretty embarrassed as he sipped his champagne. I was equally embarrassed as I yelled at Levein to take him off on 75 minutes. Apparently, in my medical opinion, he was “completely f**ked”. In my defence he had been cramping up since the 72nd minute (I bet on 68 but my Dad won £40).

De Vries didn’t just join the ever growing list of ropey players who managed to score against Hibs (Foster, Simmons, Obua, Nade, Kisnorbo, Hamill, Wyness I could go on…) but became a mainstay in the side for the two seasons he performed. This included most notably a winner away in Bordeaux and two against Braga of Portugal. Hearts’ over dependence on De Vries started a habit of playing defenders up front such as Kevin McKenna as we started to attempt to replicate MDV’s impact during his periods of injury or lack of fitness.

Craig Levein was constantly telling us that De Vries was 70% fit and we all waited with baited breath for the day that we could see him all guns blazing. We are still waiting. Sadly, he suffered with increasing problems in this department and the 70% was probably his BMI by the time he left to join Levein in Leicester. De Vries’ exploits in Europe and his 33 goals in 90 competitive appearances mean he will always be remembered as one of our most loved players of recent years and with spells at Leicester City, Leeds and Dundee United proving ultimately fruitless, Hearts certainly enjoyed the best years of his career.

I remember that debut particularly as I called in sick to work in order to go. As I strolled in on Monday miraculously better, I was told I wasn’t welcome by my unimpressed boss. I pleaded with her that I was genuinely sick and she took me to the staff room to show me the front page of the Edinburgh Evening News. There I was, emblazoned on the cover, celebrating DeVries’ 4th and Hearts 5th behind Craig Levein. That photo sits proudly in my bedroom. Thank you, Mark, It was worth it.

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About the Author
Craig started performing comedy in 2010 and has since been scaling the stairs of comedy at the rate of Thora Hird in the Stannah adverts of the 80s. Not content with not setting Scotland alight with his musings, he has since moved to London to barely amuse an entirely new nation. As a student, in 2005 he won the BBC Student Sports Broadcaster of the Year and followed it up in 2006 with the BBC Student Comedy Broadcaster of the Year. In 2007, he was a finalist in BBC Talent’s Witty and Twisted competition and he has written for various blogs including journaling his own trip around the UK exploring Britain’s fascination with curry at www.landofhopandtandoori.co.uk (this is sadly not a joke).

Despite being English, Craig has been a season ticket holder at Hearts for over ten years but can put on a decent accent at away matches so as not to be turned on by the locals. Having only supported Hearts since 2000 when he moved to Scotland, he has the pleasure of not knowing or caring who Albert Kidd is but has had the misfortune of knowing or caring who Eduard Malofeev is.

Follow Craig on Twitter: @CraigHazell

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