Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months you’ll hear it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. You’ll never believe who it is!
Thursday, 13th August 2015
“Hiya Internet pals. It’s been a great week at the “greatest football club in history™”. We played our first league game – and we won!
One of the new English lads did get confused though and asked why the other team was named after the women who played the Queen in the film “The Queen!” The boys all laughed at him, except the Captain who just said “There’s a team called Helen?!”.
“We need a new Captain,” says the Boss.
After the game the boys complained the showers were cold and there was no heating in the dressing room. I phone the Chairman. He says “It’s a tough league and we had to toughen up. I’m not going to pay the heating bill until we’re back in the top flight. Also, if the gas man comes to the door to ask about the bill, tell him I’m not in and you don’t know when I’ll be back, right.”
He’s a smart man. Always thinking of ways to help us.
After the game the Boss tells the press we have “high goals” this season. The next day the Goalie storms into our office. “How will I reach the crossbar if we have high goals?” he demands, “can we not make them shorter so I’ll save more and get into the England squad?”
Bless. He still thinks he can make it into the England squad if he plays well. We try and tell him that Roy Hodgson won’t want to see his DVD. “Is that because he has Netflix” replies the keeper.
“We need a new Goalie,” says the Boss.
Luckily, we’ve got our eyes on one of our rivals star players. The only problem is that they don’t want to sell him. We call their manager. And, just like the Chairman orders, we let it ring twice then hang up. “When they see they’ve got a missed call, they’ll ring back,” says the Chairman, “and you won’t have to pay for it”. The man’s a genius.
The phone rings. The Boss puts it on speaker so I can listen.
“Look,” says the Boss, “I’m a financial expert who made a fortune in The City so when I tell you this is a cracking deal then this really is a cracking deal. We want the boy. The boy wants to play for us. We’ve got a warchest and we’re prepared to overspend it. Name your price.”
He does.
The boss hangs up.
“What have I been telling you,” he says “we don’t need any new players.”
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
