Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!
Hiya Internet Pals,
“Yer takin’ tha pish!” Said the Captain.
“Yes,” said the Boss, “and then we’ll test it, analyse it and use it to make you a better footballer.”
I wasn’t sure about this. The Boss had introduced daily urine tests. He wanted to check the lads drank enough water to stay hydrated. It didn’t go down well. “Why’s it bubblin’ orange?!” Screamed the Captain.
“That’s your Irn Bru.” I said, taking the glass away from him. If the Captain thought the Bru glass was his urine sample I hate to think what was in the glass he just drank.
“It’s very important you drink two litres of water before every training session.” Said the Boss.
The old Striker put his hand up. “Yes?” said the Boss.
“I remember…” He starts all his stories like this. He claims to have played for every club in Scotland but no one has ever stayed awake to find out. “… just after I played for [name deleted], before I joined [name deleted] for the first time, before signing for [name deleted] and [name deleted] and rejoining [name deleted], a wily old fox once told me that the team who drinks together, wins together, so why don’t we all come to training one hour early to drink water and share stories about the good old days?”
A glass of urine strikes his head. “Hee! Hee!” Giggled the Dodger, one of our London ‘Yoof’ players.
“Who did that?! Who effing did that?! I remember when…”
I interrupt the Old Striker. “Dodger!”
“Yo, yo, yo. Thatz ma name. Don’t wear it out, bro”.
“Fo Sho!” said his pal ‘Fo Sho’. I still don’t know his real name.
“Did you just throw urine over the Old Striker?”
“Nah. Not me, bruv. You can’t prove nuthin.”
“Fo Sho!” said ‘Fo Sho’.
“I saw you do it.” I told him.
“That’s bull. I did nuthin. Anywayz, it waz Fo Sho! He did it, man!”
“Fo Sho!” Said Fo Sho before realising he’s just confessed. Fo Sho started shaking his head. No. No. No.
“SHUT IT!” Shouts the Boss.
Everyone turned to look at him. “I don’t care who threw what. All I care about is that you drink two litres of water before training. One litre during training and one litre after. Now, get back outside with the pots and pans – that rain water won’t collect itself!”
Sigh. Ever since the Chairman switched off the water supply we’ve had to rely on rainwater to fill the players bottles. The Chairman was right though – why pay for water when God gives it for free? He such a smart man.
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
