Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya internet pals,
Or should I say “hello, hel-“? Oh, what am I like? I almost gave you a wee clue there. It must be because I’m really happy this week. We beat our closest rivals during the holidays and then we beat another team six nil and now ‘the greatest team in history’ is now doing a good impression of a Christmas fairy – we’re sitting pretty at the top of the tree!
Of course, some people complained after the match with our rivals. They said some of our fans sang dodgy songs. Well, let me tell you pals, I can absolutely 100% deny that there were any dodgy songs. I didn’t hear Good Enough, Staying Out For The Summer or any other of Dodgy’s classic hits. Instead, the fans sung a really sad song about the opposition manager: they kept singing that he only had one ball, which is terrible, as you can’t train a team with just one ball. They can’t do the heading the ball to each other game, or the running round the cones faster than yer mate game. No wonder they lost. They hadn’t had any proper training at all – not with one ball! It almost made me feel sorry for him, but, not quite, as I have to admit, pals, that I was glad he lost.
There was a lot of talk in the papers about how the opposition manager was playing mind games and we were cracking under the pressure. Well, let me tell you, pals, this is one Secret Assistant Manager who doesn’t listen to a word that other people say. I just concentrate on my own job and never ever read the papers or listen to the gossip. Even when they said that our recent form was poor, or that we had one tactic, or that our lads had been found out, or that we had no money, or that we were all going to jail, or that that we’d never gain promotion, I didn’t read or listen to one word. Not one word!
Anyways, that manager was one to talk. His club are nothing but scaredy cats who’ve lost their bottle more times than a milkman with greasy fingers. The fans even sang a sing about how cowardly they were. It went “Yellow, Yellow, we are the silly boys, yellow, yellow, you’ll know us by our noise!”. At least, that’s what I’m sure they were singing. It was quite loud and it was difficult to make out all the words. I’m sure it was definitely about milk though as one of the lines seemed to say “Fresian mud” though I don’t know what a cow in a field has to do with anything? Football’s a funny old game isn’t it, pals?
Speaking of funny old games, I’d like to thank the fan who sent me a game of Monopoly for Christmas. It was the Game of Thrones edition and, my oh my, that was an eye opener. It was rated 18! Every time I passed ‘Go’ I had to say a naughty word. It was a brilliant game, but, next time I visit dear old Granny Secret Assistant Manager on Christmas Day in the Old Folk’s Home I’ll take Trivial Pursuit. I think it’ll be safer and require less intervention from the nursing staff. Poor old Mr McGlumpher almost had a heart attack when Mrs Secret Assistant Manager went to jail she and had to get her Christmas puddings out.
It just leaves me to use this first column of 2016 to wish you all a happy and successful year, pals! You’re simply the best!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
