Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. You’ll never believe who it is!
Hiya Internet Pals,
Last week Aberdeen manager and footballing chum Derek “Does my beard look evil?” McInnes accused an Assistant Manager of talking tosh – which I thought was a total cheek until I realised he wasn’t talking about me. He was talking about John “JC” Collins.
I once asked JC if he was happy he’s shared the same initials as our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He said: “He should be happy He’s sharing His initials with me!” And he meant it. He always was a plonker and his latest comments are no exception. He said Scottish players aren’t good enough to help Celtic get results in Europe. Which is true, have you seen James Forrest and Charlie Mulgrew play?!
I’ve got to admit, there’s some truth in what JC said – the teams we face every week aren’t good enough to help us get to Europe either. In fact, they weren’t even good enough to help us get to the Premiership last season. We got humped – all their fault.
At least things are improving under our revolution. It was a five star performance at the weekend but there was some trouble before the game. The Captain asked whether they’d need a plane to get to the stadium. He said, “Isn’t Alloa what they say in Hawaii?”.
During the match one of the new lads tried a couple of fancy moves.
“What was that all about, son?” I asked, after the game.
“I want to entertain the fans” he replied.
“This is Scottish football,” I said, “we’ll have none of that nonsense here. If they want entertaining flicks they can go to the cinema!”
That was him telt. Today, I caught him eating a packet of Monster Munch. Good lad! He’s trying to fit in by eating a local delicacy.
The Chairman phoned after the game. I thought he’d congratulate us but it was just to check the players weren’t getting paid a goal bonus. He such a good man, he must have wanted to check they were getting paid enough as it is without having to rely on bonuses.
It’s not all good news. There was some disappointment in the transfer market. We only want players who want to play for us so you can imagine how difficult it is to overspend when so many players turn out to be closet fans of other clubs in Scotland. The Boss took the news well.
I said, “We’ve lost out on He Who Must Not Be Named?”
“That’s ok. I didn’t want him anyway,” said the Boss.
“But he was player of the year!“
“Yes, but what year.”
“Last year?”
“Exactly. He’s yesterday’s man! We need this year’s player of the year.”
That’s why he’s the Boss and I’m the assistant.
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
