Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!
Hiya Internet Pals,
It’s been a week of highs and lows at “the greatest team in history”. On Tuesday I found the Captain crying in the locker room. “What’s up, Shagger?” I said. He likes it if I call him by his nickname.
“People say the club ‘as been tha victim of a crime,” he said, “Shagger sad.”
“Don’t worry!” I said. “The courts will decide if anything bad has happened. If anyone is convicted of a penal offence…”
He sniggers when I say penal. “- then they’ll get a penal sentence…”
He sniggers again. “- in a penal institute.”
He starts laughing uncontrollably: “Heh, heh. You’ve gotta a dick offence, a cock sentence… a willy institute…”
I don’t think he understands the meaning of the word penal. I left him giggling away. A successful Secret Assistant Manager know that man management is all about knowing when to stay silent and when to speak up. As I found out on Friday – I was pure raging, so I was.
Now, I don’t want to use this column to settle petty arguments or to have a go at rivals. To do so would be small minded and un-becoming of a man of my stature BUT, on Friday, a newspaper reported that a fellow Assistant Manager had been besmirched. Now I don’t know what that means but it sounds insulting – and I, as a fellow Assistant Manager, will stand loyally beside that honourable number two!
Apparently, a rival team from Fife said that the Assistant Manager had broken the rules by asking one of his players to be released from international duty so that player could play against that team on Saturday. They also claimed he’d deliberately weakened the national team. How could they say such a thing?!
If I was that Assistant Manager, which I’m not, I would have phoned bass player Mark King from Level 42, the biggest and best PR advisors in the world, and said as reasonably and politely as I could: “If those f*****g f*****s don’t get tae f**k then they can f******g f**k off back tae f*****g Fife to f**k their f*****g sisters!”
And he would have slapped his bass and said: “There’s Something About You that tell me they need a Lesson in Love! Leave it with me, they’re in Hot Water!”
Then, if, he’d released a statement on the club’s website that somehow managed to miss out everything that Assistant Manager might have said, if I was that Assistant Manager, which I’m not, I’d also point out that I’d use the press to point out that I’d never do anything that would hurt Scotland. Playing for your country is the highest honour a player can ever receive. It’s the ultimate achievement. The only time you stop playing for Scotland is when you die!
Take me, I never stopped playing for Scotland. I retired! Then, three years later, when a new manager was appointed and they kicked out that useless German, I did the honourable thing and un-retired and started playing again. That’s how seriously I take international duty!
Lastly, if I was that Assistant Manager, which I’m not, but if I was, then I’d have taken great pleasure in knocking five past this rival team at the weekend. “Getitrightupya!” I’d have said, if I was that Assistant Manager, which I’m not.
And, if I was, which I’m not, I’d end this this column by saying “After the game, the Captain gotitrightupyer sisters and yer maws, ya f*****g bams!”. But I’m not that Assistant Manager, so I won’t mention it again. Or recommend that they see a doctor if it starts to itch.
On an entirely unrelated note, we won again! And we became record breakers. We’ve now won nine games in a row.
Roy Castle once said all you need to be a record breaker is dedication. Which is true. But loan signings helps too.
After I told the Captain about our new record he said that if we win in any more games he’s going to run out of fingers to count them. I told him to use his feet but he said feet don’t have fingers. I told him that toes were just like fingers. He said “Ya dancer!”. But, later, I caught him trying to pick up a cup of tea with his feet. I’d have left him to it, but he hadn’t even taken his boots off. Sigh. What a week!
Yer pal
The Secret Assistant Manager
As Told To Andy Todd.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
