By Teddy (@ComedyTeddy)The football-related news dominating the papers this week has been the trial of Harry Redknapp and Milan Mandaric. Obviously, I don’t have any comment to make on the possible outcome of the trial, but the news of a bank account in the name of Arry’s dog did make me think of Darren Bent. Redknapp stating “My Sandra could have scored that” after Bent missed a chance for Spurs now feels like it referenced the wrong member of the household. “My dog could have scored that. At least she should have, given the money she’s on.” It was also fun to flick through today’s Sun and see whether the words “Sun columnist” would find their way into the story that Redknapp “writes like a two year-old”. They didn’t.
Leigh Griffiths. The 1st Division had the right idea. Keep his hands occupied.Not a court trial, but Hibs’ Leigh Griffiths has been the subject of disciplinary action again…his third ban this season for making offensive gestures to fans. On the plus side, he’s going to be spending his suspension joining Jerry Sadowitz on tour as his interpreter for the deaf. Given that Griffiths doesn’t seem to be learning from his bans, it may be worth Hibs having him checked out by specialists to see whether he’s become the world’s first sufferer of “Hand-only Tourettes”. Motherwell’s Michael Higdon has also been hit by a one-match ban for a far more vague arm gesture made towards nobody in particular. You get the feeling that if the SFA’s compliance officer was shown a video of the All-Blacks doing the Haka his face would take on the appearance of someone who’d just been unexpectedly shown ‘Two Girls, One Cup’.
Terry. Handshake controversy. We've been here before...QPR and Chelsea are apparently encouraging Anton Ferdinand and John Terry to shake hands before the sides’ cup match at the weekend. You can understand the reluctance of his fellow pros to shake hands with Terry, him being the Premiership player most likely to offer his hand with the words “Smell your wife/girlfriend/mum”. Sepp Blatter will be hoping that the two players shake hands as he believes allegations of racism should be settled with a handshake. Then again, Fifa employees believe that everything should be settled with a handshake. The only argument being over how much the hand should be holding.
Paul Scholes has said that he’s still scared of Sir Alex Ferguson, despite now being 37 years of age. That’ll put Fergie 4th on Scholes’ list of fears; after interviews, social situations, and sunshine.
United’s two biggest rivals clashed in the League Cup semi-final and Liverpool overcame Man City thanks to a goal from Craig Bellamy. After the match Kenny Dalglish said “If Man City have any more players like him that they want rid of then they’ve got my number…”. What are the chances of City having another diminutive, temperamental striker who they want to get rid of? Oh…
Dracula. Just about to quote some Nietzsche on Twitter.A new programme to encourage reading by getting Premiership footballers to recommend books for kids and adults yielded some interesting results. Joey Barton went for Dracula as his adults’ book. The topic of someone sucking the lifeblood out of those around him may be of interest to Neil Warnock as he checks his neck for puncture marks. Theo Walcott recommended that kids read a book called “T.J. and the Hat-Trick” by…himself. Strange that he didn’t recommend the follow-up set 3-and-a-half years later, entitled “T.J. and the Complete Failure to Build on that Hat-Trick”. Charlie Adam picked out James Corden’s autobiography as his favourite book. Not that they have a great deal in common…as Charlie Adam had to lose the weight before he managed to become a success.
Adam’s old club Rangers brought in Nigerian trialist Michael Uchebo…but he cut short the trial after one day, because Ally McCoist wasn’t present at training. Any annoyance that Rangers fans may feel about this at least has the edge taken off it by the touching belief that Ally’s in charge of the club’s transfer policy.
Sticking with African players – or not, as the case may be – Equatorial Guinea beat Senegal 2-1 in the Cup of Nations to make it out of the group stages. This would be quite a touching underdog story, were it not that 20 of their 23-man squad were born outside of the country. Some of them at least have parental or grandparental links…but others, like the Brazilian goalkeeper, are just foreign lower-league players recruited by a former coach and ‘naturalised’. I think we get a picture of which country Craig Levein will be supporting in the tournament. I’m joking of course. He’ll go right off them once he finds out that Steven Fletcher’s accepted Equatorial Guinean citizenship…
Kagame. Kept awake at night by the big issues, like whether Arshavin should be coming on as a sub.One last African story, Arsene Wenger has a new critic…Rwandan President Paul Kagame. He’s called for Arsene to leave the club, saying that his Arshavin substitution show that he’s lost his touch. Strange that Kagame should hit out at a manager known for his grumpiness with the press and his emphasis on playing kids. Strange because Rwanda is ranked 147th out of 169 countries in terms of press freedom…and a 2008 draft report commissioned by the UN accused Kagame’s government of supplying child soldiers to aid Tutsi rebels in DR Congo. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. People in glass houses patrolled by child soldiers definitely shouldn’t.
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About the Author
Twice runner-up in Scottish Comedian of the Year finals, Teddy was named ‘Best Up and Coming Comedian’ at the Scottish Variety Awards in 2010. He’s written for two BBC Radio 5 ‘Unsporting Reviews of the Year’, and has also worked as both writer and script editor on the BBC1 Scotland football shows ‘Offside’ & ‘Only An Excuse?’. He’s been a Rangers season-ticket holder for the past 17 years, but he’s all about the football not “all that other shite”. Also has a fondness for Dynamo Kyiv that can be traced back to an unhealthy obsession with Alexei Mikhailitchenko (or Oleksiy Mykhalychenko if you prefer to transliterate from the Ukrainian rather than the Russian. That’s the unhealthy obsession we’re talking about.)
“brilliant Scottish comic”Kate Copstick, Scotland on Sunday
“Head, shoulders, knees and toes above the rest…mighty stage presence and impressively high punchline ratio”Brian Donaldson, Scotsman
“freshly minted topical gags…pin-sharp lines…great routine…a class act”Steve Bennett, Chortle.co.uk
