John Gavin thinks Ally’s going to Hollywood

Episode 2 of the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast is out now. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

Conspiracy theories are now more commonplace than they have ever been. Every action taken by someone in power is perceived as having ulterior motives. Some can be dismissed with greater ease than a trialist at Murray Park. With others, though, there can be an element to the story that makes you think that there may be something worth looking at. The grassy knoll in the JFK assassination, the possibility of an alien landing at Roswell, or Uri Geller’s interference in Gary McAllister’s penalty taking ability.

The Old Firm are no strangers to conspiracy theories. Most followers of the Old Firm have their own views on which team makes up the most. Rather than get into that argument lets just say if you are an Old Firm fan then just tell yourself it’s the other team rather than having a fight about it. It would be fair to say though that the majority of theories at the moment are around Ibrox rather than Parkhead.

The events around the transfer window have created plenty. Here are a few that were in papers, online or heard in pubs –

-Did Jelavic really ask to leave?
-Was McCoist going to resign?
-Did Sandaza get a call from a shadowy figure telling him a bid was coming?
-Was the guy in charge of Weir pumps going buy the club?
-Was someone really crazy enough to bid £1.75 million for Lafferty?

All these elements put together draw one conclusion. Another conspiracy theory if you will. Craig Whyte is clearly a ‘plant’ put in place by a Hollywood movie company. Before dismissing this, have a think on it and look at the evidence.

Hollywood love a good sports movie with an underdog fighting against adversity to come good and everyones a buddy at the end. Fifa were involved in the movie ‘Goal’ a few years back. The intention was to boost football’s popularity in America. Any one who has sat through this movie would agree that all it was even less believable than the possibility of Joey Barton being asked to be the face of Kalms.

FIFA are clearly using Rangers so that they have a storyline to follow for their next attempt at the big screen. The plan had been so deeply hidden that no one has suspected anything until now, but there was a slip-up back in August last year. This was Gerard Butler playing for Celtic against Manchester United. Have a look at the picture below and try to deny that Butler is a Hollywood version of Paddy McCourt.

Another slip-up came in December in Sone Aluko’s dive against Dunfermline. He was offering an example of his acting abilities to try and get a major role in the movie. How else could you explain that dive? See, it makes sense. Kyle Lafferty has already lost out on a part on account of overacting.

So how will it end? Going by movie clichés Rangers must be nearing the middle of the movie. Normally in the movies it’s at this point someone disappears, with the presumption that something bad has befallen them. They leave a cryptic message about the main character but tell them they were actually always the proud of them or they were the best.

At the turn around we’ll see Ally McCoist, playing himself due to his already proven acting ability in A Shot at Glory, driving through the night in a sports car with a montage of footage of his regrets all held together with a power rock soundtrack. That’s the point the team will all put aside their differences, even the two players who earlier in the film had had a fight, to win the league against the evil McCourt, played by Gerard Butler.

The Tax Case goes against Rangers, but on that day a long-lost relative who just happened to be a billionaire dies and leaves the money to the club. Being a sports movie though they will have to sign the paperwork before 2 o’clock on the last day of the season, leaving the main striker with only an hour to get to the stadium for the big game.

This must mean Jonah Hill as David Healy. Which would explain why Jonah has lost a load of weight. As for David Healy, well how about this for a plot line. Ageing striker signs for his boyhood heroes after seemingly falling down the football ladder. He can’t get a game and is struggling to find form. The club loses all their main strikers so it’s up to our ageing striker to recapture his form and score the goal that clinches the title. A goal scored in injury time by taking the ball from Paddy McCourt despite an old shoulder injury that the Evil McCourt gave him in a game back in the old days. The character who’d earlier disappeared returns (it was just a holiday!) and all is well.

Well it might be a bit far-fetched. Given what’s been going on at Rangers of late though, almost anything is possible.

You can download/listen/subscribe to the Scottish Comedy FC podcast HERE

———————————————————————————————————-

About the Author

John started his comedy career back in 2008 after his wife signed him up for a comedy competition in the Sunday Mail, without his knowledge. He ended up winning it and going on to the final of So You Think You’re Funny. A year later he won Scottish Comedian of the year. He talks about his home life with his wife and 3 daughters mostly as there is very little else exciting that happens in his life.

He has followed Rangers all his life. As a 5 year old boy he spent his birthday money on his first Rangers strip complete with number 9 on the back. It was also around that time that he was taken to a barbers for a haircut and asked to get his hair done like Frank McAvennie. As he had short, brown, poker straight hair the barber struggled to recreate the long blonde permed look that McAvennie sported at the time. This is a tale that his mother likes to share from time to time.

He also distantly related to Rangers hall of fame member Willie Waddell. It is very distant, but its close enough that he likes to use this to make him look like a big man.

His football career took a nose dive in secondary school when he found out he was actually a better rugby player than footballer. Brief stints at 5 a sides in 20′s followed. Since a tragic accident in which he slipped and fell on some ice due to his insistance on wearing converse all stars, he broke his left leg. Since then he has been too much of a big Jessie to grace a pitch again.

“All the makings of a class act” – Chortle

“Brilliant” – Sunday Mail

“Hard hitting and side splitting” – Daily Record

“There’s a rosy future ahead for John Gavin” – Scotsman

“Very Impressive” – Edinburgh Evening News

Follow John on Twitter – @johngavincomedy

John’s website – www.johngavincomedy.com

I know this has been a long one, but thanks for reading.

Comments

comments