Furious St Mirren fans dominated social media yesterday after a Celtic FC banner was hung over the Paisley side’s official club shop.
Celtic are playing three friendlies at St Mirren Park while upgrades to Celtic Park are ongoing. The first friendly was last night against Den Bosch of The Netherlands.
Leading up to the match, the stadium was rebranded with Celtic’s logo and colours – and St Mirren fans immediately went on the attack.
You would have thought they’d be pleased. It’s the first time St Mirren Park has been full to its capacity of 8,043. Or, at least it was according to Celtic’s figures…
While Saints bosses insist hiring out the stadium will help bring in new players I think it’s actually part of a wider conspiracy. Celtic are taking over Scottish football one club at a time. The signs are all there. First, they take your players (see Dundee United), then they take your ground (see St Mirren), finally, they take your SPL membership and make you start again in League 2 in a secret deal between the SFA, Peter Lawwell and the Her Majesty’s tax man (see Rangers). You know it’s true.
It’s not too late. You can stop them. All you need to do is look for the following signs to know if big, bad Celtic are coming to take over your club:
10. Celtic taking your songs
You’ll never walk alone, but, if you do, make sure Celtic are not walking behind you ready to mug you for your songbook. You’ll Never Walk Alone was sung by Liverpool fans first before Celtic ‘borrowed’ it after a friendly match in the early 70s.
9. Celtic taking the seats from your stadium
But don’t worry, they will return them – flying through the air.
8. Celtic taking yer mum round the back of the bike shelters and giving her a right royal rogering.
(Actually, I might be thinking of Kyle Lafferty.)
7. Celtic taking over the back pages of your local paper with adverts obsessing about Rangers
Can you hear the Celtic sing? No, because they’re too busy debating corporate law on Twitter instead of turning up and watch their own team on a Saturday.
6. Celtic taking out flags in your stadium obsessing about Rangers
Can you hear the Celtic sing? No, because they’re too busy learning precise needlepoint from the Great British Sewing Bee to turn up and watch their own team on a Saturday.
5. Celtic will nick your team’s place in the Champions League
It’s happened before, it’ll happen again.
4. Celtic will take your striker for £2m then return him on loan nine months later
It’s happened before, it’ll happen again.
3. Celtic will take land from a council to build a training centre and not pay anything for it
That one’s never happened before (so our lawyers tell us).
2. Celtic will take three stands in your stadium for a home game because your club gave it to them
Money talks at Rugby Park.
1. Celtic will completely take over your stadium – your pride and joy, your home – and turn it into a tiny facsimile of Celtic Park
And not only will your club not complain, they’ll take their 30 pieces of silver, tear down the club logo and roll out a green and white carpet for them.
Even Harry Redknapp is asking if you have any pride.
St Mirren now look like a coal miner doing limbo: the lowest of the low.
Oh dear.
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
