Andy Todd’s Jukebox Durie…feeling its Saturday Self!

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My Saturday self was once a porter in my local hospital. One day, a good few years ago now, I was asked to pop along to Theatre to pick up some “special waste” to take to the freezer to await incineration.

I’d been working there a couple of years and I’d never heard of special waste. We had domestic waste – that came in black bags and was filled with yesterday’s Daily Record and the discarded Twix packets of
hungry nurses. We had clinical waste, which came in a yellow bag, and that was filled with swabs and bandages and anything used to mop up the types of liquid that require a rubber glove to handle. And then we had, I found out that day, “special waste”.

Special waste was different. It wasn’t a newspaper. It wasn’t a used plaster. It came in an orange bag – and it was shaped like the shin, ankle, and foot of what can only be called an amputated left leg.

This wasn’t waste, this was the patient I’d christened ‘Jake The Peg’ from Surgical who I just saw walking on crutches down the ward. This was his leg!

And I had to carry it. And I did – all through Theatre, out through the laboratory, along the basement corridors, past the kitchen (where it was so tempting to pop in and shout “Chef, I’ve got the meat for
tonight’s pies!”), out the back door and round to the freezer. I shudder to think of it still.

That was a Saturday I’ll never forget. And if I had to soundtrack it, I’d use this: [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8fiC-nu6-0&w=420&h=315]

It’s “My Saturday Self”, the official song for the Premier League. And while they clearly want you to think of packed stadiums, dramatic winners, and flashy goals when they play it, why on earth is it called
My Saturday Self? Who plays on a Saturday anymore? Surely “My Super Sunday Self” or “My Monday Night Football Self” would be a better title? So, instead, My Saturday Self reminds me of a man with one good
leg. Which seems apt, as, in Scotland, most players only have one good leg.

Next week: Jukebox Durie gets relegated to Division 3 as we begin our musical look at Rangers opponents.

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About the Author
After too many years as season ticket holder at Parkhead, Andy Todd renounced the SPL three years ago to support Queens Park. One team is a rank bunch of amateurs who play in a state of the art stadium and the other is…(I think we can all see where this is going).

Andy has been performing comedy for 18 months but is currently ‘between gigs’ while he writes a book on Scottish property law to be published in Summer 2012. Its potential audience will be less than 300 but his mum will be very proud.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @toddandy

Check out Andy’s website: www.toddandy.com

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