Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals.
This week, due to the leap year, the lads get an extra day of the Cone Game. They were so excited but, just as I was putting out the cones, the Chairman phoned in a panic: “What’s your name,” he said, “send the team home today – I pay them by the day and I hadn’t realised it’s a leap year – we can’t afford to have them play the Cone Game today!”
What a generous guy he is, I thought, he’s giving the lads a whole day off. You won’t see many chairmen doing that. In my day Sheikh Maclean of the Dundee Arabs would have his lads in every day of the week. He’d even get them to do tasks like dig holes, clean boots and clean the toilets.I mentioned this to the Chairman and, because he loves Scottish football history, he was really interested in what I had to say. He was especially keen on the bit about getting the lads to do tasks around the ground.He said “Bring them back in and ask if anyone knows how to fix the Wifi?”
I got the lads back but, before I could speak to them, the Captain wanted to speak to me privately. He was confused by the extra day and he wanted to know how it could be extra day if it still Monday and you get Mondays every week. Which was a good point. I explained the extra day didn’t have a different name. It’s just a day that traditionally women ask men to marry them. The Captain turned white as a sheet and shouted “No-wan puts a ring on shagger’s fingah!” and ran away. We then had to spend the rest of the day trying to find him. We eventually found him hiding underneath a garden shed. He growled when we approached so we just let him be. Sometimes, it’s safer that way. He’ll come home on his own when he gets hungry.
The Chairman wasn’t the only one with great ideas this week. The Boss called me into his portacabin/office at our world class training facility.
“I’ve decided to get rid of the development squad!” He declared.
“The ball boys?” I said, “You can’t get rid of them. Who will get the ball back when the Captain miss-hits one of his long range passes out the stadium into our world famous car park?” (A little clue to who I am. There’s not many teams that have a world famous car park. You’ll never guess who I am!)
“The D team aren’t progressing as fast as I want. If we want to win the Champions League we need….”
At that moment the electricity went off.
“I’ll stick 50p in the meter” I offered. By the way, pals, when I asked the Chairman why we have to put money in the meter for electricity he said its because world class training facilities don’t come cheap.
The lights came back on. The Boss continued: “Where was I? Oh yes. Our lads are used to playing the Cone Game on bumpy muddy pitches. Others clubs insist on playing it on flat carpet astro-turf pitches. How’re the lads supposed to learn on that?”
“I see what you mean boss,” I said, “The Cone Game is better when you add in the random bounces of a Scottish pitch in winter. But what’ll we do instead of a development team?”
“Its OK. Spurs and Arsenal are keeping there youth teams so we’ll just borrow some more players from them! Luvvly jubbly!”
The Boss is so smart. He’s just like the Chairman. I wish I was smart like them, oh well – luvvly jubbly indeed!
Yer Pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
