Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Qué será será (“Whatever will be, will be”), the ‘greatest team in history’ is off to… Hampden! So we are pals. After a famous 0 – 0 ‘victory’ against the killjoys of Ayrshire we’re in the next round of the cup. The Boss says we have to play them again but I don’t know why, they were beaten more than an egg on Pancake Day! Seriously, the SFA should hand us the cup now as I’ve got a feeling our name’s on the trophy… 33 times…
A little clue there as to who I am – you’ll never guess!
It was disappointing to see the draw for the next round end in farce on Monday – we didn’t get drawn against our big rivals. Did the SFA forget to put our balls in hot water before the draw so they could “randomly” put us together? It’s shocking, so it is. They’ve quite literally taken their eye off the balls! They even had a second go at it and still couldn’t manage it! What a bunch of nincompoops. They had less organisational skills than the Captain organising last week’s team dinner. He phoned KFC and asked to book a table! Who does that pals? Its Nando’s or nothing!
The dinner was well timed though as it was a good chance to cheer up one particular pal – Fo Sho, the Dodger’s pal. It’s so sad. He’s been silent ever since the Dodger left. I could always count on him to say something – even if it was jus “Fo’ sho’!” every time the Dodger spoke. But now he says nothing at all.
The lads have tried to help. The Goalie said “I will definitely, 100%, absolutely play for England in the European Championships!” and I turned to Fo Sho, expecting him to agree, but he mustn’t have heard because he stayed silent.
The Chairman said not to worry. One of his pals doesn’t talk either. “I’ve tried and tried and tried to get the Fat Shopkeeper to talk but he just won’t return my calls, my letters, my emails or my formal summons to attend the High Court in London and give a witness statement in an open court! I’m beginning to think he’s not my pal at all!”
That made me even sadder. I’ve already lost the Dodger as a pal and I didn’t want to lose Fo Sho too.
I decided getting him to agree with what was being said wasn’t working. A different approach was needed. Instead, I’d only tell him things that couldn’t possibly be true to see if he’d argue against me. I believe the top managers call this ‘reversing pyschology’.
So, at the dinner, I sat down next to Fo Sho. It was heartbreaking. He didn’t even look up. It almost made me cry that he was so sad. I started by saying: “The Chairman never fulfilled his promise in the transfer window to over invest, did he?”
And, you know what, pals, Fo Sho DID look up. I said “We’ll get totally humped by Celtic and Aberdeen next year and we don’t stand a chance of playing in Europe.”
And, you know what, pals, Fo Sho then stood up. I said: “The Goalie will NEVER play for England!”
And he laughed and shouted: “Fo’ sho’! Fo’ sho’! Fo’ sho’!
I was so happy. My reversing psychology has worked and he was back, pals, he was back! I’m a genius, I really am. Unfortunately, the night wasn’t, unlike Saturday’s game, a complete success – I never got my Nandos! We were thrown out after the Captain was discovered in the kitchen basting the chicken with his special sauce. I don’t think its spicy but I was impressed by how much he produced
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
