Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!
Hiya Pals,
OMG, you’ll never guess what happened this week! A man approached me before Saturday’s match and asked me for my autograph! He said: “Can you sign my programme? It’ll be great to have your signature on it when we win ten in a row today!”
He then winked at me. He must have got dust in his eye. We were in the stadium and I have to admit it’s seen better days. On Monday a bit of roof fell off and hit the Captain on his head. He couldn’t speak for three days… didn’t do him any harm.
“No problem, pal,” I said. I love meeting fans.
“Can you sign it to my Dad?” He asked. “He’s the one who first took me to <name of stadium redacted> when we beat <team name redacted>. I hate that bunch of <sweary word redacted> <more sweary words redacted> and their manager. He’s a <Oh my! That’s an extreme sweary word redacted.> I now can’t wait to take my son to the games. Everyone in my family supports you.”
I signed the programme and gave it back to him.
“Thanks for this,” he said, “anyway I’d better head to work now.” He then winked again. The stadium must have been really dusty.
Anyway, pals, meeting him really made my day. It’s always great before a game to meet the referee. People forget they’re normal people like me and you. Thankfully, we did him and his family proud and we won again. Blueandowki, the greatest striker in history, scored a late goal following a penalty. The Ref winked at me after he awarded it. That dust gets everywhere!
After the match the Chairman phoned. I thought he was going to congratulate us on our performance on the pitch but he was only interested in what was happening in the courts. I told him not to be silly – we don’t play tennis here. What a daftie.
The Ref wasn’t the only new pal I made this week. We also signed a new scout.
“I can’t wait to meet him,” I said to the Boss after he’d gathered the squad together to make the announcement, “I’ve got all the badges and my very own woggle.”
“U should see a doctor about tha’!” Shouted the Captain.
The Boss ignored the Captain and turned to me:“What are you talking about?”
“Dib dib dib,” I said, “dob dob dob. Any one need a bob a job job?”
“I gave yer maw a bob a job,” said the Captain, which doesn’t even make sense, he knows my mother doesn’t work – why would he give her a bob?!
The Boss just looked at me though as if I was the idiot. “He’s a football scout,” said the Boss, emphasising the word ‘football’. “And he’ll help us finds bags of talented players.”
This was getting stranger and stranger. I didn’t understand what was going on. Why did we need a scout to find bags of talented player? What were we going to do with Ronaldo’s satchel, Messi’s briefcase or Wayne Rooney’s In The Night Garden lunchbox? I was just about to say this when the Boss turned back to the squad and said: “You may be wondering why we’ve employed a scout. I know I said in the papers I had no interest in a big squad or buying players for the sake of it. I know I said that the biggest danger is having too many players and not too few. Well that was just a lie –”
I know, we had 37 players at our last club and he still wanted more. “- we’ll need more players so that we can win the league and the Scout will help us find them!”
I wonder if they will come with the bags.
“Now,” said the Boss, “completely and totally unrelated in any way to our search for new players, can Blueandowski stay behind, I want to talk to you about your plans for January.”
Your Pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
Follow Scottish Comedy FC on Twitter: @ScotComFC
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
