‘Dear SCFC’ is Football’s first and only Agony Uncle! We’re not one of those creepy uncles who you only see at Christmas, stinking of booze, staggering around the dance floor before making a pass at your wife. No: ‘Dear SCFC’ is the awesome uncle who gives you money for your birthday, gets you into the football for free and buys you a cheeky beer when your parents aren’t looking.
Each week we will do our best to help those who can’t help themselves. If you have a problem (real or completely made up), send it to us using the form at the bottom of the article.
Dear SCFC,
I manage 22 players every Saturday/Sunday but sometimes one of them is very aggressive. He bullies the other players, dives and generally acts like an arse.
I tried to speak to him but he growled at me before slashing his finger across his throat and then pointed at me. I have to admit I let out a little wee of fear. I think it may be due to his background. He’s a very confused lad. He grew up in Brazil but seems to be Spanish despite the fact he only speaks Portuguese!
What should I do?
“Naive English Ref”
Stand up for yourself!!! The only way to beat a bully is to become an even bigger bully. I recommend you google Willie Collum. Which is not a device for keeping your manhood upright.
Oor Wullie, a Scottish referee and cartoon character, has got off his bucket and shown the red card 112 times. That’s an average of 10 a season! So flash that card and show that bully you are the one that knocks.
Dear SCFC,
Stand free where you may be
I am the famous manager of A.F.C
I don’t give a f**k
because I won a cup
I’m the famous manager of A.F.C
Will I win the league?
“Dandy Don”
The sheep, the sheep, the sheep are on fire but like the petroleum oil found in the North Sea, sheep are not a sustainable source and they will eventually run out. So, although you burn bright now, you will need to keep winning later in the season when injuries hit and form dips.
I recommend two things.
- Buy a striker based on their speed and skill rather than your current policy of one with muscle bulk who looks good in an Instagram gym selfie!
- The next time you play Celtic send a players out to break Leigh Griffiths’ leg. They will miss his goals much more than you will miss your player!
Dear SCFC
Should I watch the rugby world cup?
“Fan of thighs”
NO! Rugby is a sport solely created for fat men to have something to do when they go to the pub. Without it men would have to talk to each other about our feelings, the worry about getting older, the concern that were not as attractive as before, the uncertainty with our job and the way when we’re alone we just want to cry because we find it difficult to ask for a hug.
Umm. Actually. Is that Tonga versus Romania on the telly? I’ve always loved rugby. Hugs are for losers!
‘Dear SCFC’ is willing to offer advice to any fans so if you have a problem, your manager’s giving you jip, your star striker is more concerned with Dutch pancakes than Cruyff turns or you just want someone to listen to you, email us using the form below.
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