Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages.
Hiya Internet Pals,
Transfer deadline day is a tough day for secret assistant managers: we have to welcome new pals and say goodbye to old ones. Its hard frantic work and that’s why I like to spend it in the heart of the action – the Chairman’s office.
I sat quietly in the corner as he started the day by putting in a bid for a new winger.
“Hi, is that Real Madrid?” The Chairman asked, “I’ve got a massive war chest and I’d like to use it. How much for Gareth Bale? £100 million? No problem! My massive war chest has £100 million in the loose change drawer! How much is his wages? 200K a week! You’re having a laugh! I’m prepared to give him the living wage. No more, No less. You tell him it’s more than he’ll get from Celtic!”
He hung up the phone. “The trick to negotiations is to make them sweat. They’ll phone back later in the day when they get desperate to sell.”
We waited four hours but Real Madrid didn’t phone back. Oh well. “Let try our number 2 target?” I suggested.
“OK.” The Chairman dialed a new number: “Is that Manchester United? How much for Wayne Rooney? £200 million? No problem. My massive war chest has lost £200 million down the back of my sofa! How much is his wages? 200K a week! You’re having a laugh! I’m prepared to give him the living wage. No more, No less! You tell him it the same as he’d get at last year’s champions league winners! No, not Barcelona, Hearts! And, yes, I definitely said Championship League Winners, you must have misheard me!”
He hung up the phone. “The trick to negotiations is to make them sweat. They’ll phone back later in the day when they get desperate to sell.”
They didn’t phone back. “Let’s try our third target, ” I suggested.
“OK.” The Chairman dialed a new number “Is that Barcelona? How much for Messi? £300million? Ummm that’s too much even for my massive war-chest!”
He hung up the phone. “I’m sorry, whats-yer-name, but there’ll be no new pals this year! Clubs don’t want to sell to a rival team in the Champions League (the season after next)”
I was really, really sad as I left the office. How we’re we supposed to win the league if the lads don’t get a new pal to play with? But, just as I reached the big blue front door, the Chairman shouted: “Wait! I’ve done it! I’ve got a new signing”
Blimey, pals, that was unbelievable. I said “You’re taking the Mick!”
He said “Good guess! We’ve signed Mick from the Saints.”
Wow, I couldn’t believe we’d managed to sign a player from Southampton. The Chairman said I’d have to drive to Perth to get him. How lucky that he was so close to us that we didn’t have to organise a plane from the south of England? He must have been up in Scotland on holiday. What a day – I knew the Chairman would spend whatever it takes (in three instalments over four seasons depending on appearances, international call ups and a hat trick in the Champions League final) to get us back to the top!
Well, after that, it was good to get back to our world class training facilities and find out that ‘the greatest club in history’ was still leading the way in our division by beating one of our closest rivals. It was a good game and the winner was scored by my new pal and ex-female tennis player, Billy Jean King. I must admit the Chairman really pulled a rabbit out of the bag with that one too. She’s looking good for her age and she scored a cracking last minute goal to help us grab all three points. With a few days left until the transfer window closes, I think I might give Sue Barker a call and see if she fancies a wee spell as a cheeky wee creative midfielder.
Finally, this week, we’ve got a nice wee cup game on Saturday. We’re playing a Premiership team currently managed by the old Captain. I phoned him to say “Hello” on Wednesday but he mustn’t have heard me because I had to say it again. “Hello, hello” I said. “Hello, hello” he said – and then it was just like old times as we discussed what had happened to old team mates. I said “Remember the Fat Striker? What ever happened to him? Has he finally turned into a Monster Munch?” And the Old Captain said “He still plays for us up front!”. Whoops! My bad! At least, I know one thing now, I can put my feet up on Saturday – they’re not going to score!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
