Scottish Comedy FC has acquired the rights to an upcoming best-seller – “The Secret Assistant Manager” – which will tell you what really happens inside Scottish football.
The author has asked us to keep his identity a secret but in coming months he’ll tell it straight from the main man’s mouth, or, technically, straight from the assistant to the main man’s mouth to our correspondent Andy Todd, all about the next chapter of a remarkable 143-year-old story that has spanned the ages. In today’s piece he gives the biggest clue yet about who he is!
Andy Todd spoke to The Secret Assistant Manager on Tuesday 2nd November 2015. Andy tried to phone him yesterday to see if he wanted to add anything to his column this week but he said: “No. Why would I, pal? Nothing’s happened. No, nothing at all!”. So, that’s that then. You’ll never guess who he is!
Hiya Pals,
I tell you what, it’s been another cracking week! Yes, another one! Every week is better than the last! Onwards and upwards, pals!
Last week, the Chairman flew in for a quick visit. I wanted to say hello so I popped into the big blue room at the stadium. We have other coloured rooms too – but, strangely, not a green one. I think green must the Chairman’s unlucky colour: he blames everything wrong with the club on green. He’s always saying “Fek Green”; “Green’s a [sweary word deleted] and “Green has dun us ovah again!”.
“Hello,” I said to the Chairman.
“Who are you?” He demanded.
He always asks this. He must read this column: he’s playing along with the mystery.
“I’m [REDACTED], the assistant manager of the greatest team in history.”
“You’re the assistant manager of Real Madrid?”
“No, you big daftie, it’s this club!” He’s definitely playing along now.
“So what are you doing here?” He asked.
“I work for you. I’m the one who phones you and asks if you’ve found the key to your war-chest.”
“What war-chest? Umm….yes…that one…tricky thing, war-chests, the keys are very easy t’lose. What do you want, ma friend?”
I explained to him that we had a crisis at our world class training facilities. The players no longer fit into their training tops – all XXXL hand-me-downs from last season’s players. You should see them, pals – the tops are so big you’d have thought they spent training eating Monster Munch instead of running. The Dodger thinks the old Captain’s shorts are so big he could camp in them at T in the Park. We need new kit – and I wanted the Chairman to sign a cheque.
“You wan’ me to do WHAT?!” Shouted the Chairman. I wish he would stop playing the guessing game!
“It’s okay,” I said, “We’ll save money as I’ll buy them from the sport shop down the road.”
As soon as I said it, I knew I’d made a mistake. For some reason, he really hates that shop and the portly shopkeeper who runs it.
“You’ll do no such thing!” He roared. “They’re ripping us off and I won’t give’em a single penny of ma money (of which I have loads)!”
“But, Mr Chairman,” I said, “they’ve got a two for one deal on bibs. If we don’t buy them now then the team won’t be able to play the game where they all stand in a circle and pass the ball to each other really quickly.”
It’s my second-favourite game. I also like British Bulldog but the Boss won’t let the players play. Not since The Captain poleaxed the Old Striker and celebrated by taking a wee against a lamp post while barking at the sky.
“Tell you what,” said the Chairman, “this has gone on for far too long. We kin sort out the fat shopkeeper once and for all. Leave it with me, whoever you are. I’ll deal with it.”
Brilliant, I thought. Job done. The Chairman will sort it out. Just like he’s sorting out our finances and our transfer targets. He’s a great man! He’ll help anyone – even people he pretends not to know – he’s a real strangers man! With the Chairman on the case, nothing can go wrong – here’s to another great week!
Yer pal,
The Secret Assistant Manager
As told to Andy Todd.
Follow Scottish Comedy FC on Twitter for more on Scottish football and beyond: @ScotComFC
He’s a part-time comedian and in 2014, he supported Eddie Izzard in ‘Please Don’t Go’, Izzard’s show about Scottish independence and worked with BBC Radio Scotland as a weekly guest on Referendum Tonight.
