transfer_nonsense_van_gaal

So it’s finally here, the transfer window would be closing today if it wasn’t for a bank holiday giving the inevitable ‘slam’ a stay of execution. Jim White is getting his bright yellow tie ready, the Sky Sports News team are getting their excited OUTDOOR VOICES ready and clubs are preparing to panic buy.

After a simpering, whimper of an exit from the Champions League, a lot of Celtic fans were calling for coach Ronny Deila’s head but fear not Celtic fans! Deila’s got a solution, and that solution is… Steven Fletcher? Oh, christ.

Yes, the striker with a worse goalscoring record than Virgil van Dijk could be joining the Parkhead club on loan with a view to a permanent transfer. Fletcher currently earns £40,000 per week. Worth every penny.

Of course, their late flurry of purchasing isn’t restricted to the striking department. They’ve submitted a £4 million bid for Dinamo Zagreb defender Jozo Simunovic who they see as representing value for money. The 21-year-old will join Inverness Caledonian Thistle’s Ryan Christie and Anderlecht’s Fabrice N’Salaka in moving to Parkhead at the last minute in moves which have been on the cards for months. Honest.

Don’t worry though, Celtic fans. It’s not all doom and gloom: the club are set to offload Anthony Stokes (to Panathinaikos of all places), Stefan Scepovic (for a loss of £500,000), and Derk Boeriggter (yes, he’s still there). Not only that, poor ol’ Virgil van Dijk might finally get his move to the Premier League and will be looking forward to crashing out of the Europa League with Southampton. Oh. They’ve already… oh well, Premier League eh? That’s the best league in the world.

Don’t look like that – of course it’s the best league in the world. Where else would you find Manchester United poised to drop more than £100 million on three players before the close of the transfer window after losing one game, away to a really impressive Swansea side? Nowhere!

They’re selling Javier Hernandez to Leverkusen, so they desperately need a striker or two. Monaco’s Anthony Martial fits the bill for some reason and the needlessly specific price of £36.3 million will be enough to take him to Old Trafford. We mentioned last week, when Man United were definitely signing Neymar, that the bookies had slashed odds on them signing Charlie Austin – you scoffed – but they’ve done it again.

United also need a centre back, so let’s just pretend they’re the “other club” Ronny Deila says is interested in Virgil van Dijk and talk about Chelsea instead, shall we?

They’re signing Paul Pogba! I mean, they’re probably not but anything which puts the fear into John Obi Mikel is fine by us. And Liverpool! Liverpool have jettisoned £20 million worth of potential in Lazar Markovic, are close to getting rid of Fabio Borini to Sunderland and are looking to finalise deals for… well… anyone before the deadline.

Don’t forget that we’ll be live-tweeting the close of the transfer window tomorrow, so if you’d rather not watch 12 hours of Sky Sports News, we’ll do it for you. Follow us: @ScotComFC

Michael Park
According to Vanity Fair, Michael Park is "The Internet's Most Thoughtful Hipster".

He is the editor of this fine site and a regular on the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast despite refusing to go anywhere near Owen's house.

He supports Kilmarnock and is a comedian to no-one but himself.

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Transfer Nonsense: Are Celtic & Manchester United Panic Buying?

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