With two weeks until the transfer window SLAMS SHUT™, the big transfer sagas are coming to an end and the rumours of pishy wee deals between sides you neither know much, or care much about are in full flow.

In ‘that England’ the transfer rumours are going insane…ly boring, as Premier League clubs seek to offload the mediocre crap they’ve been sharing around for years in an effort to stave off a lucrative season in the Championship. West Brom alone are already looking to shift Joleon Lescott, Stephane Sessegnon, Brown Ideye and Victor Anichebe to – frankly – anyone who will offer them cash money.

This clearout at the Hawthorns might also see Saido Berahino finally move to Tottenham Hotspur, putting him firmly out of the way of James Morrison and his fists of fury.

Those were some really poor footballers to start this week’s Transfer Nonsense with so let’s do BIG NAMES. David De Gea‘s off to Real Madrid next season with them having offered him a £12million signing on fee (that’s one whole Salomon Rondon), Mateo Kovacic is moving to Real Madrid too as a replacement for Luka Modric (’cause he’s Croation innit), and… err… Rob Green is set to make a return to West Ham’s Goalkeeping Howlers committee.

On the subject of howlers, residents of Kilmarnock may have noticed air raid sirens being tested frequently over the last few days as League Cup Winner and semi-permanent bombscare Mahamadou Sissoko is said to be training at Rugby Park in an effort to win another contract with the club.

One story which rumbles on is John Stones‘ protracted move to Chelsea, with both Man City and Man United supposedly interested, Everton are looking at Swansea’s 30-year-old captain and Fantasy Football legend Ashley Williams to bolster their defence. Where does this leave Virgil van Dijk? Poor, poor Virgil van Dijk.

Speaking of Celtic fresh from pulling off the trolling move of the season by swiping Rangers fan and barbers’ nemesis Scott Allan from under their rivals’ noses, the Parkhead club are all set to bring back one of those strikers that they insist on signing for £2million and then punting a few seasons later. Could this mean a return for Amido Balde?

No such luck! Celtic are scrabbling for change down the back of the settee to pay the £32,000-a-week-wages-plus-significant-loan-fee for former ace Gary Hooper. Stefan Scepovic’s face falls as he looks for a nice café to spend this season in.

Could this be a Deila masterstroke? Can they even afford it? Stay tuned as we don’t even mention it on next week’s Transfer Nonsense.

Michael Park
According to Vanity Fair, Michael Park is "The Internet's Most Thoughtful Hipster".

He is the editor of this fine site and a regular on the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast despite refusing to go anywhere near Owen's house.

He supports Kilmarnock and is a comedian to no-one but himself.


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Transfer Nonsense: Celtic Want One Of Their £2million Strikers Back – Could It Be A Masterstroke?



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